It was about three weeks ago when it all began unfolding. Andi and I were driving in the car on our way to Detroit for an art exhibit and were blasting the music. In between songs, we had short conversations about the Race and upcoming squads. It wasn’t anything serious or long, just casual talk as the thoughts crossed our minds.
The song finished and I asked her about the upcoming August squad and who we thought would be leading it. The August squad is by far our biggest group to be sent out on the race, with over 80 racers gearing up. It was inevitable that two squads would be launched which meant double the number of squad leaders. We were two weeks out from their training camp and were all starting to wonder what God was going to do.
I’m not even sure what exactly the question was, but next thing I know my mind was going down this long rabbit trail over the thought that maybe….just maybe…I was meant to go out with them. Andi was clueless of my internal trail. The next twenty minutes consisted of trying to think of all the reasons why this wouldn’t work out and was just a crazy trail of “what ifs.” And yet, despite my best efforts to convince myself to stop wondering, I couldn’t come up with anything.
Those next days were filled with a lot of prayer and searching for a word in the sky to tell me exactly what I was to do. I wasn’t resistant because I didn’t want it. I was resistant because it seemed too crazy a time line for me. I was just beginning to settle into life in Michigan and the thought of leaving it so quickly was hard to grasp. The truth is that I am really happy right now and, in my opinion, am living in the most challenging, spirit-filled community with people I love some of the most in life. And yet, despite everything I wanted to hold onto, God was pushing me into a new territory I had yet to step foot into.
I was on the phone with Michael Hindes, my spiritual Dad, a few days later talking about what I was thinking. Two things happened that day on the phone. First, he told me the last thing I needed was the affirmation of others. There will inevitably be times out on the field that I will find myself wondering why in the world I am there and I need to know, without a doubt, that it is because the Lord called me and that I didn’t ride the wave of nice words of encouragement from people. The second thing that happened was when Michael was praying for me. He was asking the Lord to quiet the voices of friends, family, and influences in my life. Right as he asked for the silence of spiritual parents, the phone instantly shut off. He called back minutes later saying God was clearly speaking: this was my decision to be made.
Those next days were crazy. I didn’t talk with anyone about it and wouldn’t let myself speak anything out until I was sure. I refused to commit to something if I wasn’t going to keep my hand on it. Two days later I called Michael back and said point blank, “I want it.” And I meant it. During the course of those days, excitement was flooding me over the idea of going back out with another group. I wasn’t saying yes to something I felt I “should” do; I was stepping into something I really wanted to be a part of.
Instantly something happened in the spiritual realm. I physically felt the transfer of the responsibility of this August squad upon my shoulders. What was bound in the physical realm by my decision to step into leadership had been equally bound in the spiritual. No longer was I just responsible for myself and my own spiritual growth. Now there were forty plus people who would be relying on the leadership of the awesome co-leader Aaron Bruner and me to press in, step up, and walk out of the deepest depths of intimacy with our Father.
My decision in this wasn’t by a huge word in the sky. I never got a direct yes or no from the Lord on this one, but I did get a revelation about intimacy. There comes a time in all of our walks that we need to grow past the need for a direct word and start moving out of the intimacy of who He is. Do I know Him intimately enough to know where He is, what pleases Him, and what He desires for my life? It is out of my own pursuit for intimacy with Him that I chose to step into this new land, trusting that knowing Him was everything in leading me to this place and it will be everything in sustaining and growing me through this new season.
This is new territory for me. I don’t know what exactly I am doing, but I don’t think I need to. In the midst of the thoughts and questions of what in the world this will look like, there is a divine assurance that I am exactly where I am meant to be. Dependency always leads to empowerment, and I don’t think I could be in a place of greater dependency then where I am today. Following Him is about progressing forward, pioneering into new territory, and moving towards the reality of manifest Kingdom invading the barren lands of this world. And so here I go, moving into some new land that I have, up until now, never entered before.
