So it’s been a minute since we talked . . .
In the past several days since I posted my last blog, we finished up in Nicaragua and had something called LDW (Leadership Development Weekend) which is basically a few days to rest before travel day. Then with one ferry, three busses, one overnight stay in San Jose, Costa Rica, we arrived in Panama City, Panama approximately 48 hours later.
After getting in around 3 a.m. and making it to the hostel by 5ish (also a.m.) we were given the majority of the day to sleep and rest a bit more. Then we got to meet our awesome hosts a little more. Shibu comes from the southern part of India, speaks three languages fluently (one of which is English; praise!), and has a heart for the Indian population of Panama. His wife Lily is Panamanian, speaks at least two languages, and is soft spoken and so kind and hospitable. Their three kids are still young, but adorable and also fluent in English and Spanish.
By the looks of it, this month is going to be some house visits, speaking in church by giving the messages and or our testimonies or words of encouragement. We’re also in charge of the Christmas program and have been asked to participate in some of the youth outreaches this month.
We are currently living in a bright orange hostel whose name escapes me. We reside approximately seventeen miles from the canal which we hope to go see soon, and this month we’ve been blessed with wifi that is strong, if inconsistent. There is a 24 hour grocery store literally across the street, and a ten minute taxi ride will get you to an enormous (and overwhelming) mall; a couple of us walked around for about half an hour and I don’t think we were even close to finding the end of it.
So since we’ve had mostly free thanks to Shibu having to finish up the school year in his capacity as Bible teacher, we’ve spent a lot of time this week brainstorming Bible skits, brushing off every game we’ve every played at camp, and coming up with songs in both English and Spanish that we can teach, complete with full-body motions. In truth, I’ve never before been able to say exactly what my true love gave to me on each day of Christmas, but I’ve got a feeling I’ll never forget after we practice it a few more times. Shout out to Jess and Mel for coming up with all the motions.
In my own area of (more or less) expertise, I was able to put together most of a skit about the parables of the lost sheep and lost coin. Don’t get that excited, most of it is reading from the text, but it was so much fun to get people into their roles and lead them through acting exercises like, “show me your best impression of a lion!” Whoever said having a brain for movie lines was a useless talent? I’d like to thank Kris Kringle from “Miracle on 34th Street” and Professor Keating from “Dead Poet’s Society.” I’d also like to thank my entire team for going with me on that idea. Naomi does an excellent “cow” if anyone was wondering.
Mostly though, these past few days have been extremely hard. I’ve been triggered several times by various things. I may have peeled another layer off the onion that is “femininity,” but I haven’t gotten to the middle of it yet. I still struggle with knowing that my voice is important and has value. I’ve had to confront the fact that falling back into old habits of isolation does not solve the problem and actually hurts the people around me as well as not getting me anywhere closer to resolving my issues.
Last month was all about letting my team into the problem and I did that, but not until it was all tied up with a pretty bow. Saying that I have a very hard time letting people in while I’m “having an emotion,” is an understatement. But I’m slowly getting better at it; I’ve let my team know that I need them to be available for me to verbally process the lies going through my head and knowing that they’re open to me doing that is really encouraging.
I created a flow chart to help me see the problems chasing their tails in my head, but since I’m not going to try to take a picture and post it online, what it basically comes down to is I have deep insecurities when it comes to my importance in any circumstance or situation and a deep fear that when people see exactly how gross and real my messiness is, they’re going to walk away. But one day at a time, one conversation at a time, I’m confronting those lies, trying to get to the bottom of them, and replacing them with truth.
For example, when I’m experiencing an emotion and know I need to process with someone, the thought comes to mind that my needs are not as important as the needs of others. I should not be interrupting them because what if they can’t handle it? What if I’m imposing on their space? That’s really selfish of me.
But the truth is, my sisters love me and want to be there for me. And when I shut them out and try to do it by myself, it not only hurts me and keeps me in that place (verbal processor, y’all), but it also hurts my sisters because they feel locked out and don’t know why. And not only that, it blesses them to be allowed in during those times; it’s a sign of trust and vulnerability. It’s a moment where my actions can either bless or destroy and there’s not a lot of middle ground.
So keeping those things in mind is helpful. Remembering that Satan has me in his crosshairs and loves using my old bad habits to tie me down is helpful. And knowing that he wouldn’t be spending this much energy trying to take me out if I wasn’t a threat is also helpful.
It’s a one step at a time kind of process.
The last thing I would say to update everyone on my time here is that last night we had the opportunity to visit a Hindu temple. I wasn’t feeling particularly well before and the feeling intensified when we arrived, but it was a really cool experience. Shibu gave us some of the cultural history behind the idols and we had a chance to prayer walk around the place afterward as we had it basically to ourselves.
As I took the time to prayer walk around the place, I felt myself coming alive in a way that I’d never experienced before. I could sense the Holy Spirit in me and I could sense the demons and their presence all around me, but I could also feel this glorious delight in the knowledge that with the authority I’ve been granted through Christ, all I had to do was say one word and they’d have to flee.
I’ve been praying for weeks now that God would open my eyes to the spiritual realms around me and though I didn’t see any demons last night, I could sense them, I could feel where they were and that their focus was on me because I know I am a child of God and they cannot hurt me. I could see that they’d hurt and manipulated the priest when he came later and yet he clung to his religion in spite of it all. I don’t know if he was aware of it or not, but being able to see and understand with such clarity was such an insight to what it is we’re actually dealing with in the spiritual realms. I knew it before, but it feels more apparent now. This is a real fight; not a joke.
So I hope everyone back home is enjoying the Christmas season. It’s so easy to forget about commercialism when you’re in rural areas, but since we’re in the city this month we had the chance to go to the mall for a couple of things. Turns out it was a mega mall. Turns out after two months, it’s really overwhelming to walk around in endless materialism. But I guess that’s another story for the record books.
I hope you all have wonderful holidays and that God uses this time to touch your spirit and draw you into a place of deeper intimacy with him.
Love y’all,
TL
