So I’ve still been reading that book called Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist, and in it, she describes her view of friendship. I thought it was so good I wanted to share.
“Friendship is acting out God’s love for people in tangible ways. We were made to represent the love of God in each other’s lives, so that each person we walk through life with has a more profound sense of God’s love for them. Friendship is an opportunity to act on God’s behalf in the lives of the people that we’re close to, reminding each other who God is. When we do the hard, intimate work of friendship, we bring a little more of the divine into daily life. We get to remind one another about the bigger, more beautiful picture that we can’t always see from where we are.”
“True friendship is a sacred, important thing, and it happens when we drop down into that deeper level of who we are, when we cross over into the broken, fragile parts of ourselves. We have to give something up in order to get friendship like that. We have to give up our need to be perceived as perfect. We have to give up our ability to control what people think of us. We have to overcome the fear that when they see the depths of who we are, they’ll leave. But what we give up is nothing in comparison to what this kind of friendship gives to us. Friendship is about risk. Love is about risk. If we can control it and manage it and manufacture it, then it’s something else, but if it’s really love, really friendship, it’s a little scary around the edges.”
That’s true vulnerability.
Honestly, that’s what the race is all about. What life is all about. Showing our weaknesses to the people around us, a lot of times unintentionally. And being loved anyway.
And when we show those weaknesses, while surrounded by a community of people who love you, it becomes a strength, your greatest strength. There’s power in that.
Because that’s grace.
Relationships of any kind are hard at times. But if you stick with it, if you walk with each other through it, and don’t give up, there’s such beauty in it.
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9)
When I really think about any true friendship I have, we’ve had to walk through some hard things with each other. There’s been some conflict at times but iron sharpens iron.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy. (Proverbs 27:6)
Like Shauna says, you have to actively give up that need to be perceived as perfect and to not care what people think of you. On the race, we’ve see one another’s weak points and love each other anyway. We have walked through that growth together.
I feel like I’ve been able to come to a deeper love for those who I realize are so different than me than I used to, because I’ve been able to learn so much from them.
It’s easy to get drawn into the small daily things, and focus on the hard things in the moment, but when you take a step back, and see the beauty of the different body parts of the church, the different personalities, you see the big perspective, the heavenly perspective.
As I’ve been reflecting this month, I thought back to month 4 in Cambodia, when it was announced to the squad that Brad, Cristin, Jess, and I were going to be the squad leaders for the remainder of the race. And looking out into each face of each person on the squad, even though I knew each of them a lot less then, I had this overwhelming love for each of them. Just like I had for Team Overflow.
Coming away from that moment, over the course of the next 6 months, I realized how easy it is to just look at the surface. For me, it was frustrating for me to see when people weren’t always living into all they could be, according to my standards.
I don’t know why that frustrates me because I sure as heck don’t do that myself every second of the day so that’s a lot to expect of others.
So some background information- my personality type for Myers-Briggs is ISFJ. And personailityhacker.com has something called the car model which is a super helpful tool to become more self-aware of why you do certain things which ultimately can lead to a lot of growth. Know self to lead self ya know what I’m sayin?
Basically, the car model is a visual picture of if your mind is a four passenger vehicle, and these four passengers represent four distinct mental processes which influence you the most.
My driver, which is your greatest natural talent, your “flow” state, is memory. It’s the mental process you feel most compelled to use to process information. So mine is memory, which means that I think the most reliable information is what I have already experienced, what’s in my memory. This makes it hard to do new things, because I don’t have a reliable source like my memory to go off of. Memory wants to craft good memories for others, focusing on the importance of family, friends and home. Memory creates an inviting space.
My co-pilot, which is how I make decisions based on the processed information, is harmony. So what gets everyone’s needs met. It gives an opportunity to show love in a balanced way. You become experts of the people in our lives because of the memory and a master at predicting the behavior of those closest to you.
My 10-year-old self, in the back seat behind my co-pilot, is accuracy. Your 10-year-old is basically what you go to when you are defending your driver, in a state of unhealth. You’re only meant to use your 10-year-old when you’re using it with your co-pilot in mind. But your immature 10-year-old goes straight to your driver, totally forgetting about the co-pilot, and takes on a defensive position, because it’s usually only used in times of stress or when overwhelmed. It’s not your true self. So with accuracy, you become critical of others’ opinions when they don’t match your own, creating an inhospitable environment. You become nit-picky and judgmental, because of the perfectionist mindset. You aren’t thinking of your harmony part, of thinking about the person. Only what is right. Self-protection amps up accuracy to become overly critical and keep a record of wrongs, instead of truly listening to others.
My 3-year-old self, behind the driver, is exploration, which is crafty and free when I feel safe. It’s my blind spot, what I tend to not see. Therefore, it’s my greatest strength but greatest weakness, which provides an opportunity to be vulnerable and grow into that strength. When I do things I’m not necessarily good at or aren’t familiar with, it can become a great source of encouragement for others.
Everyone should figure out what their car model is. It’s so helpful. If you don’t understand why you do what you do, you can’t change your behavior.
Lots is learned about myself that is helpful in friendships and helpful in leading others.
We’ve all learned from mistakes we’ve made on the race with one another, but that’s a part of friendship. Being transformed from one degree of glory to another. I’m thankful to have been a part of that transformation in 45 other peoples’ lives this past year, and for them to have been included in mine.
Understanding my personal car model has shown me how I’ve definitely found myself wanting my friends to be all that they can be all in one moment, and frustrated when they aren’t. I have wanted everyone to learn from my experiences, “my memory” that is completely accurate, according to my 10-year-old self. But if I listen to my 10-year-old, I completely forget about you as a person, my co-pilot.
That’s not how God does things or treats us.
He shows grace, and there’s no grace in perfection, in complete accuracy.
He says, “My grace is sufficient, for my power is made perfect in your weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me…For when I am weak, THEN I am strong.
Wow. I’m just gonna let that sit for a while.
To think of the times where it probably seemed like I was showing no grace (because I wasn’t) because I was relying on accuracy to defend my memory, forgetting about harmony. And giving the impression that I was perfect, without thinking of that person.
But just like His grace comes in my weakness. My grace should come in anyone else’s weakness.
If there was no grace needed, there would be no process. No transformation from one degree of glory to the next. No season. There would be no power perfected.
And it’s all about the transformation and His glory in that.
Back in Peru, a friend encouraged me to celebrate the progress. To see all the potential of a person but to push them towards it and not get disappointed they aren’t there yet, and another friend said he wanted me to be with him in the climb, just as his friend, not a leader.
Because that’s what friendship is. We forget that sometimes. I forget that sometimes.
Finding the balance between that push and showing grace.
God does that so well. He pushes yet shows grace. He walks with us to full maturity.
When we do the hard, intimate work of friendship, we bring a little more of the divine into daily life. We get to remind one another about the bigger, more beautiful picture that we can’t always see from where we are.
You can’t get the intimacy without sharing the real stuff, without taking down all the walls.
We’ve had to give up a little and risk a little to get the beautiful friendships we now have.
You do things for friends like stay up with them when they’re sick even though you’re exhausted, or listen to them lay out all their struggles. You risk things for them when they feel like they’re not going to make it. And walk right next to them. Up the mountain.
Friendship is walking right next to. And sometimes seeing what they need in the moment. Maybe they need you right behind them and pushing them to lighten the load, or being right ahead of them and pulling them up.
I’m so thankful for the genuine friendships I have on and off the field, to be with me in it.
You’ve each played a part in this journey of growth God has taken me on, and you’ve each accepted me for who I am, my true self. I hope you feel that I’ve done the same for each of you.
“Good friendships are like breakfast. Walk across the street, or drive across town, or fly across the country, but don’t let really intimate loving friendships become the last item on a long to-do list. You think you’re too busy to eat breakfast, but then you find yourself exhausted and cranky halfway through the day, and you discover that your attempt to save time totally backfired. In the same way, you can try to go through it alone because you don’t have time or because your house is too messy to have people over, or because making new friends is like the very worst parts of dating. But halfway through a hard day or a hard week, you’ll realize in a flash that you’re breathtakingly lonely, and that the Christmas cards aren’t much company. Get up, make a phone call, buy a cheap plane ticket, open your front door. There really is nothing like good friends, like the sounds of their laughter and the tones of their voices and the things they teach us in the quietest, smallest moments.”
I learned a deeper level of grace through the faithful wounds of a friend in a small moment in Trujillo, Peru.
