God led me to write and post this. The enemy has tried to scare me out of it but here it goes. Just as it says in Revelation 19, “The testimony of Jesus is the spirit of prophecy,” I pray He does the same in others’ lives as He did in mine.
About 4 years ago, I played into Satan’s hand. I had a friend, a good friend. But we became idols in one another’s lives and Satan twisted something good and made it bad.
Let me back up for a sec. I had been a Christian already for 14 years at this point. I had been involved in a christian ministry on campus. I had never really messed up in a big way before. I even looked down on others at times who would make “big” mistakes. I never understood how some people could talk themselves into some of the things they did.
Until I fell into the same trap. Because that’s what it is. A trap. A trap you can either fall into or decide to run far away from.
My friend and I crossed physical boundaries over the course of a couple weeks.
I rationalized it. I said to myself that I didn’t like it or want it. But it was still sin. And it was a sin I would have never thought I would have participated in but I did.
Thankfully, we both brought it to the light to our christian community, and the rationalization fell away. Repentance followed, and humbling followed close behind.
Unfortunately, I was never encouraged or celebrated for bringing a sin to the light by this christian organization. And my identity was never spoken into. I was told I should never talk to this person again or have any restoration in our friendship, and I was told I should never be allowed to lead another group of girls because I let them down. (I was leading two bible studies at this time).
There’s not a lot of hope in that. Hope for growth, reconciliation, and God’s redemption.
I had a whole community, a church community, turn their backs on me.
It was hard. The hardest time of my life. But also the best. Just as Hebrews 12:5-6 says, “My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him, For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.”
He has received me.
Psalm 51 became my best friend during that time, my sacrifice of a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. It’s one thing to have worldly sorrow, but it’s another to have Godly sorrow.
God taught me so much during that time. That I’m not perfect, and I’m not above temptation. The evidence of His grace. Those of you who decide to read this may wonder how I rationalized this and how did it get to that point? Those can be the questions you can ask yourself.
But are those the questions Jesus chose to ask? In John 8 with the woman caught in adultery, he bent down and wrote something in the sand, and said to the pharisees “for those who were without sin to be the first to throw a stone at her.”
What did He write?
My thought is that He wrote, Exodus 14:14, “The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be silent.”
Because he did fight for her without any condemnation. He loved her and he knew that His love changed her heart. She didn’t have to say a single word.
During those times, I learned how to really defend myself and fight for myself. I learned how to stand alone and know that what I did does not define who I am. That yes I messed up, but my mess up is not who I am. I am not defined by my sin.
I also spent a lot of time building defense mechanism after defense mechanism. I put up a lot of walls. All to protect myself. I needed to protect myself. I didn’t want to get hurt anymore. But God has been breaking those down, and showing me I don’t have to say anything. I lost complete trust in most people and I stopped trusting God to come through. And pride showed up in many situations because of that insecurity of not knowing I could trust my Heavenly Father.
These past four years, it seems like God has sent test after test for me to learn how HE is the one who will fight for me, that I don’t have to. And I have failed time and time again but I have seen more humility in myself in each new test.
Now, I KNOW I don’t have to say a single thing to defend myself. God will work it out.
And I believe that’s what he wrote in the sand. That she didn’t have to say a single word. He was her advocate.
Then He wrote again the next part- you need only to be silent.
I’m not perfect, and neither was this woman caught in adultery. I recognize that a lot of what I have walked through is because of my own sin and my own shortcomings, but if that’s the one thing I have taken away- that I can sit before the Lord and KNOW no matter what that He is FOR me and will ALWAYS fight for me, then it’s all been worth it.
That gives me hope for anything. Hope for the prodigal running from the love of His father, hope for a whole nation to turn their hearts to their Abba Father, hope for a 20-year-old with cancer to be healed, hope for a seemingly hopeless marriage to be restored, hope for the lukewarm American church to set a revival down in the hearts of every person they meet.
As we spend time celebrating the death and resurrection of Jesus, that’s what I think of. I see my sin there on that cross and I know He died for me. Even when I miss the mark, I can walk in freedom and live in freedom.
I think of all that He took on that cross for me. My sin is whipped onto his body. He did that for me. He did that for you. He took the accusations against a purely innocent life. There was no logic or reason for the insults thrown at Him.
And Jesus knew His father would fight for Him, even if He didn’t see it in the moment. He trusted His Father. He didn’t need to say a single word.
And I hope every single one of you know that too. For yourselves and for others as well. When we look at others, are we seeing Jesus? Or are we seeing their sin and mess ups? We are not above anyone else. Jesus made himself nothing, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Church- I know we are meant to fight for truth. But the biggest truth we have been given is to love one another. We are not the judge. I know I have no place to judge others. I know the pain and hurt that can be caused by harsh words and lack of acceptance. I am defined by what Jesus did. I am defined by HIS righteousness
I have hope in the Church. I have hope in you. To transform hearts by sharing with them the truth of God’s love and not condemnation. Show the world how it’s supposed to be different.
Build others up. Ephesians 4:29. Building up is not the equivalent of pleasing and making happy. Grace only tears down FOR THE SAKE of building up.
There’s a saying I was taught as I was growing up:
We are not dirty rotten sinners saved by grace; we are saints who sometimes sin.
That’s who we are. No matter the mess up. Knowing your identity changes everything.
God gave me the promise at the beginning of this hard season that He would return to me double fold what was taken and lost. And He has. I had lost community, my job, and my reputation. But He has restored that and more. I have an amazing supportive community full of people who believe the best in me and who love me and encourage me and call me higher in love rather than in condemnation. And I have had the privilege of leading others across the world in the role as a squad leader.
That’s a beautiful picture of God’s redemption.
What I walked through brought so much fruit. I have been able to understand others on a deeper level, and pray on a deeper level for those caught in the strongholds of Satan, especially the same strongholds.
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” Ephesians 2:10
He’s constantly working on us. That’s the beautiful part. The process.
I promise that if you keep wrestling and hang on long enough, just as Jacob did as He wrestled with God, the blessing will come. And God’s presence and seeking His face is all that will matter. And in the end, you will be given a new name.
A new name that speaks into who you are, not who you’re not.
Because of the Cross, I can say that my name is Carmen Hope Eby, a beloved daughter of my Abba Father in Heaven, who loves and cherishes me. He is content when I just spend time with Him, and live from that secure and safe place.
