I leave for the World Race in one week. That’s crazy for me to think about. But in reflecting on the seasons God has taken me through these past 5 years, God has shown me how he has had this plan this whole time. He knew exactly what He was doing. Preparing me for this. This very moment. The preparation season hasn’t been easy. It’s been hard and painful, but I would not be who I am today without going through the hard stuff.
Let me tell you- it has been really hard letting him strip away lots of pride. Being humbled is not fun. It’s messy and embarrassing sometimes. He can’t use pride. I strongly believe that sifting our proud natures is one of God’s primary divine intentions.
3 years ago I realized that I had made doing ministry an idol. I loved leading small groups and teaching. It’s definitely a passion of mine. But that’s where I was finding my purpose. Not in God himself. And God knew that. He wanted a deeper relationship with me but if I was constantly doing something, He knew I wouldn’t give him the time of day. That’s when a storm came rolling through. I brought on some hard times to myself, which I firmly believe that if I didn’t have myself to blame, then I would most definitely have blamed others, and wouldn’t have learned a thing. It was in this season that I was forced to take a break. God wanted me and only me. He wanted my full attention. And I have been in that season for the past 3 years.
Last year, the storm came rolling back in. Satan really wanted me to move into “doing” things for God. There were some hard things being said about me and I had to sit back and say okay God what do you see? What do you think? Has this season of sitting with God been unwise of me? Should I have been doing more? And He said to me, “No Carmen, you’re exactly where you need to be. With me. You’re about to move out of this season. But if you didn’t have this season you would not be ready for the next one.” And that’s when He led me to the World Race.
Right before I was asked to take on a leadership role for my team, God whispered to me, “This is your time. I’ve been molding you and refining you for this. I know it’s been hard, but I’m proud of you, and I had your best interests in mind. I love you and I’m with you every step of the way.” I think a lot of us think sitting and just “being” is lazy or not wise or not purposeful, but I think a lot of times we forget that discipleship is being before doing, maturity before ministry, and character before career. And I needed to be matured and refined in character A TON. I love what A.W. Tozer says, “God never uses anyone greatly until he tests them deeply.” It’s pride that kept me from being free for so long.
One of my friends gave me this quote from Ann Voskamp the other day, “It’s the broken who bust through indifference to empathy because they know the pain of brokenness. It is the broken who bust through roadblocks to hope because they know what it is like to be stuck. It is the broken who bust through the impossible to make change possible because they know anything really is possible because they are still standing.” Thank goodness for brokenness.
Because of the hard times, I at least have a small idea of what it looks like to lead. Not according to a title or superiority. But as a servant and leaning on God, not myself. I had to be a learner before I could ever teach anything. Our team is called Overflow, because we know that anything we do should just be an overflow of time spent with God, from that sitting time.
In sitting, he has also shown me how to see people. To see the spiritual world around me. There is so much going on that we can’t see. But if we just choose to love one another, to not be offended and to see people, to really see them, there would be more Christians today, in our families, in our cities, if we would just choose love. And understand that it really isn’t a battle against flesh and blood. Romans 4:17 mentions God calling into existence the things that do not exist, so just as God as done, we can call into existence things that people do not yet see in themselves. We have the power to speak truth and life. To see what God sees. How He sees people. My team did this for me while at training camp. I was really struggling with a lie about myself and without me telling that to anyone, a few of them came and spoke complete truth against that exact lie. They saw something in me that I did not see in myself. So, I pray that if anyone is in a sitting period, that you realize how crucial that time is. God has a plan and a purpose.
