As I lay in bed the other night my mind raced. Where was I? Who am I? What is life? It was seriously one of those nights where I didn’t fall asleep until my alarm was going off. As I laid awake, I pulled out my phone and began typing, just as I would have on the race.
“Its so exhausting.It’s not that I’m lying to anyone it’s just that I’m afraid to tell anyone the truth. Afraid to tell anyone how much it kills me every morning to have to wake up and face the day… It’s like everyone expected me to change so much yet they want me to be the exact same Carmen I used to be. Truth is I’m neither one of people’s expectations. And my old people pleasing self is back trying to accomplish every single mold everyone has for me and honestly not fitting in to a single one. It’s like I’m an empty vessel trying to go through the motions of every single day but failing miserably along the way. I try to tiptoe around everyone’s thoughts and opinions but it’s harder than you’d think.
They tell you coming home is hard but they fail to mention how different you will feel from everyone else. Everyone will try to understand you but they will all fail miserably and you’ll get mad not at them but at yourself for not knowing why you don’t feel heard or understood. You feel so taken over by the enemy at points that you will literally have all of the physical feelings of drowning. There are times much like to night where I toss and turn. Wondering if what I’m doing is right? Is it God pleasing? Is it friend pleasing? What will my mother think? My aunt? And all 1,000 of the other people I know, what will they think? I’m so afraid to do anything that I want to shutdown and close of from the light of day never to be seen again. The other day when Chels was here was the first time I felt comfortable enough to tell everyone the whole truth every last dark piece of it! Which got me thinking when was the last time I was able to tell anyone the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Even now when I’m asked how are you I am so quick to say I’m good no matter how much I’m dying on the inside.
I don’t know what makes me happy anymore: I don’t know who I am anymore and it’s so exhausting.”
As I was speaking to Chelsea tonight, we were talking about this. Which got me thinking, the enemy truly tries so hard to steal our thunder and if we let him he creates these footholds in our life’s. He breaks us down till we are nothing but dry bones. Lately, I have allowed myself to be torn-down so much. I have fallen back in to old insecurities that I had dropped off my back between months 2 and 6. No longer have I allowed myself to walk in freedom but rather I have settled for second best.
Honestly, I struggle to “find time” to read my bible… while I sit and watch TV.
I have failed to love the people I love because I have fallen in to the old me.
I have become too absorbed in MYSELF.
I have stopped allowing Christ to change me and have started allowing the world to change me.
Tonight I declare that I must fight hard to be who The Lord has created me to be.
And I know two things for certain… I am not alone and The Lord is still at work.
“I am neither the old Carmen nor the grandiose new Carmen everyone expected.”
Thank you for your time, love and support.
XOXO, Carmen
Romans 12:2
