161
That is roughly the number of goodbyes I have said in the past 3 months. Roughly the number of goodbyes I have said since being on the race. Of that 161 there are
109 Indian children
5 Nepali family members
40 Thai children
5 Thai family members
1 friend from home
1 teammate
We say a lot of goodbyes during this year, and that is not even including the family and friends we leave behind to come on the race. Of the 161 goodbyes thankfully none of them are deceased, although the separation seems just as permanent. Like the goodbye you say when you know for sure you won't see the person again in this life, and if you do things wont be the same…
To be honest it's a lot to handle at times…
There is a saying that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But I have always thought that was so untrue. I mean the times when I don't Love I don't feel the loss as greatly, and mentally that makes sense to protect your self.
So I did that
An every time I lost a Love I put up another wall and blocked my heart. Every time someone exited my life I choose not to Love as hard the next time so that in the end I would be protected.
I have done this in ministry
I have done this with friends
I have done this in relationships
And it worked for a while. But GOD would always give someone insight on the real deal with me. There was always someone who could see that I wasn't giving them my whole heart, the whole truth, all of me. Before I even knew about feedback GOD would use my Best Friend Margie to call me out and into greatness for not opening up.
It hurt, and I was challenged but GOD was patient with me and I began to grow.
During the race I have found myself Loving harder than I ever have. Taking risks when I felt led to open up, coming more and more alive inside because of it, and you know what?
I have still experienced loss…
I have still, very recently had to say goodbye to people, some continents away, some face to face, and watch them exit my life.
I have had to deal with the reality that our paths may never cross or align in a way my heart desires. Watch them walk away, and Trust GOD with the rest of their lives knowing there are moments of pain and triumph I won't be there to see as much as I would want to.
But in that I have grown. And I realize it is better to truly Love and lose than never to have loved. Not because Love is easy or even feels good all the time, but because each person I allow myself to truly Love hard becomes a vital part of my proses. My journey to GODs perfecting work in my life, and that alone is priceless. I now rest in my Fathers Love and trust His decisions and guidance for my life. The goodbyes at the end of each month on the race mark the end of beautiful seasons where GOD allowed me to serve His people, many whose paths I would have never crossed otherwise.
To my 161:
I miss you all dearly. But I am honored that GOD would see fit for our paths to cross if only for short seasons. Know that you are in my prayers, and you all will forever be bright spots in my life because of all the LORD taught me from you. There was much more Love between us than loss could ever compare to…
Love,
Carmella
