Do I want it to be over?
The sickness, the constant packing of bags, the drama, the tears.
Do I want it to be over?
No.
Because where there is sickness there’s also a crowd of your squadmates gathered around, laying their hands on you, praying for healing. Where there are packed bags there is a new adventure lying ahead. Where there is drama there is also hugs of forgiveness. Where there are tears there is a smile around the corner.
There aren’t really words to describe how the race changed me, or even how to describe my re-entry emotions.
I was blessed by the race. I was blessed by each country, each ministry, each person.
To try and put all of that into a couple of words is impossible.
The race did change me. It broke me, it helped me, it shaped me.
I was blessed with an amazing squad. Gap G, I’ll love you for forever.
I was blessed with everything I received.
I’ve been home for about four weeks now. The excitement has died down, it’s normal.
I think that’s what gets me the most. How normal I feel.
As I am sitting on my couch right now listening to my worship music, it feels I’ve been here everyday. It’s normal.
When I am seeing family and friends for the first time it doesn’t feel like the first time. It feels like I saw them last week. It’s normal.
For a while I didn’t think I’d ever get emotional since it felt like I never left.
But then it hits you, and you don’t know what it is, why you’re feeling the way you are, or how long you’ll be feeling it for.
People I saw everyday for nine months, the people I changed with, grew with, lived with, the people who saw me in all my mess and loved be because and despite of it all, I no longer see. I don’t know where they are, who they are hanging out with, what they’re up to. Sure we can visit each other, but we won’t all be together in the same room again, we won’t be doing our everyday life together anymore.
And that’s okay, it’s not a bad thing, it’s just something to get used to.
People in Guatemala, Lesotho, and Cambodia that I fell in love with are still there, doing their thing, and I’m here doing mine. It’s an amazing feeling falling in love with all different kinds of people, all across the world, and becoming their family. I know that I have a home in those places forever.
Things I thought I’d never miss I do.
I cried while buying produce with my parents at the market here because it reminded me so much of Cambodia. I slept on the floor the other night because it seemed better than a bed.
It’s weird adjusting back to life here.
I found myself getting annoyed the other day because the wifi for my house didn’t reach to the street. Like what? Some of my favorite race memories took place when I didn’t have wifi at all.
I’m still looking for that good balance.
It’s hard to live in this world and not of it.
I miss my race. I miss my people at Shoreline, Africa 4 Jesus, and Joy Center. I think I always will and that’s okay.
Nine months came and went, and it came and went fast.
I’m thankful for that time in my life, the adventures that it brought me, the friendships I made because of it, and the new person that I am. I’m thankful for al of it.
As you are finishing reading this, just be in prayer. Be in prayer for my re-entry, the re-entry of my squadmates, the re-entry for Gap F and all the other people entering back into life in America.
We appreciate it.
