I want to start by saying that this blog is going to be vulnerable, sharing deeper parts of myself and my journey throughout these past 8 months, but mainly about a night during our debrief in Ethiopia.
Last month was hard. Definitely the hardest month of my race so far. In the beginning of the month, I was thriving, (all about that in a blog to come), but this past month I have never wished more to be back home. That may sound bad, but I want to be real. I’m not saying I actually wanted to leave the race and go home, because I cannot wait to see what God has in store for these next three months, but, I miss home, a lot.
You would think after spending 8 months in different countries sharing the Gospel, living mission each and every day that my walk with the Lord would be at the best it’s ever been. And I can say that in some places it absolutely has been. I have grown in ways I never expected, learned new things about the Lord, and continue to be amazed by Him and the way that He is working, I’ve almost read through the entire Bible since I left. But, just because I’m doing all of these things, because I’m out on the mission field, doesn’t necessarily mean that my heart is always in the right place or that I am always wanting to go out and serve each day. There are so many challenges that come on a day to day basis.
Our mentor, Teresa, was giving a teaching to the squad during our squad debrief at the beginning of this month (month 9, Ethiopia) and she was talking about how we can be a consuming fire for the the Lord. At the end she told us to stand up if we wanted to be prayed over, specifically to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit. She played a worship song as she started to pray for people. I sat in my seat praying as people started standing up all around me. She came and prayed over my squad mate who was next to me. I still remained in my seat. She moved on to the next person, I continued to pray, unsure as to whether or not I would stand up. But I felt that nudge, you know what I mean, that feeling when you know you’re supposed to do something. I got up and immediately the Lord was wrecking me, in a good way.
I have learned so much on the race, about myself, about others, about the Lord. But even through all of that, something was missing. I am here to serve the Lord, to be the hands and feet of Jesus, to share the Gospel, to love people, yet I still felt like I was missing something. I think I knew I was missing something, but never quite tried to come to terms with what it was exactly. But this night, when I stood up, it all came flooding in. Teresa is so bold, she is so passionate about the Lord and sharing the Gospel with literally everybody that she meets. Something she said during her teaching really stuck out to me. She said, “this isn’t just a spiritual high that I’m on, I’m not going to come crashing down”. This is her life. Mission, evangelism, it doesn’t ever stop for her, because she has this good news and she isn’t going to hide it. When I stood up, I realized that I am not giving everything over to the Lord, I’m still holding back. The tears were falling, I was a mess. I stood there praying, realizing that I want more, I want so much more. I want intimacy with the Lord in ways I’ve never had before, I want all of my life to reflect Him, I want to be bold, I want to be intentional, I want to give my whole self to Him. There’s a song that we sing that says, “If more of you, means less of me, take everything.” That’s exactly what I want. I want to lay down everything in my life, surrendering it all to Him. My present and my future, my job, my future husband, my family, giving all of these things over to Him to do as He wills. I want to be so in love with Jesus that nothing else matters. When you’re in love, you talk to and about that person, not just every once in a while, but constantly. I stood there and just cried out to the Lord, sharing with Him everything that I was feeling, just being in His presence.
A question that keeps coming up is, do I truly know that the Lord loves me? All of me, despite all of the things I have done, all of the evil thoughts that I have had? Do I really truly know what it is to be so deeply loved by the Lord. To know that He knows me better than anyone else in the world, that He accepts me, that I can be my whole self with Him, that I can talk to Him and go to Him about anything and everything and He listens. When it feels like no one else will. This is something that I have always been taught, of course He loves me. He loves all of His children. But I don’t think I ever fully understood and in a sense, I don’t think I ever will, how deep and pure that love is. I always knew it was true, but I don’t think I ever fully accepted it, or thought that He could love me with such a deep and consuming love. But He does. Which is something I continually have to learn and realize/accept. He loves me more than I could ever imagine, because I am His daughter. When you realize the weight of that I think that is when you can really start to understand how deep His love for us is.
When Teresa made her way back over to where I was standing, the worship team had started. She prayed over me, and then she said something along the lines of, you can’t keep up with the river that is flowing, you cannot control it. Jump right in. Be drenched in His love for you. (I don’t remember the exact wording but WOW). I stood there and the tears just wouldn’t stop. I need to jump right in with Jesus, I can’t try to keep up on my own. I need to let go of the need to control what happens in my life, to feel like I need that in order to feel safe. I need to let go of the parts of my selfishness/pride that I am holding onto. I need to fully surrender. I want more of Him. I want a fire in my soul that will burn brightly and never go out. I want to fully depend on the Lord in every aspect of my life. Month 9 here I come.
