"Take Exit 142B toward Hwy 64 East."
I could hear Siri navigate us closer to our destination. My heart began beating faster as thoughts raced through my mind. Will my squad like me? What if I'm the one who is left out and doesn't 'click' with everyone else?
"Slow down, Carly. This is the beginning of a beautiful week," I heard God whisper to me.
As I stepped out of the car, emotions of excitement, apprehension, and hope flooded through my body. I was here. I was actually at training camp for the World Race. To my surprise, I found myself quickly connecting to a girl I had no idea was even on my squad. I immediately felt safe and slowly began to take down the wall I self-consciously constructed. We began to share our hearts for God, our hobbies, stories about our families, and what led us to the WR. I could feel my Spirit rejoicing inside as God was revealing to me the truth in His promises.
As night approached, so did my first time camping out in a tent. I actually slept well and found I didn't need to set an alarm, as I was woken up by a persistent rooster letting the world know it was time to get up at 6 AM. Our first instructions were to pack all of our gear back up and go for a 30 minute hike with everything on us. If this is about to happen on the actual race, I'm definitely packing lighter. Every morning we had some sort of activity like this — whether it was running, walking in God's wonderful creation, or yoga — we were put to work and were shown the value of physical activity each day.
The rest of the days were filled with amazing talks by speakers on the topics of healing, soul care, forgiveness, personality types, and the role of the Holy Spirit. But, I want to take the rest of this time to reflect on what the Lord was really doing through me at TC.
Believe it or not, this happened on Day 2. Ron, one of the speakers, was talking about the importance of forgiveness and the power and freedom that comes with it. He told us to compile a list of people we needed to forgive. At first, it took me a while to write anyone's name down, because I couldn't think of anyone I hadn't already forgiven. Then, in that silence and pride, God spoke to me and told me to write someone's name down. Once that first name was on the paper, the list began to grow. You see, I thought I had forgiven these people but I was still holding on to deeper wounds. Ones that I had tried to shove down and forget about. These wounds weren't necessarily created by one specific person, but a theme or string of events that have happened throughout my life.
Ron then asked us to gather in small groups and share what was on our hearts. This was by no means easy – this was Day 2 after all! As each one of us in the circle courageously shared hurts from the past, I felt a bond begin to form. This bond was something deeper and had more substance than that of regular relationships. It carried something essential for trust: vulnerability. The Lord had called each and every one of us to bring light to whatever or whoever had been holding us back from the freedom we all deserved and longed for.
After this session, we all worshiped together and prayed over those who had been abused or were holding on to some heavy things. As I stood in surrender, worshiping Abba, I began to weep uncontrollably. I felt someone place their hands behind me and began praying in tongues. She spoke to me and said, "I keep getting a word for you. He is saying 'soften.'" After hearing that, I completely lost it. God was speaking directly to me, through someone else. I hadn't realized why my heart had become so hardened to the world and others. But, as soon as God shined a light on this truth, He revealed to me why I had constructed so many walls over the years.
God revealed many things to me this past week, but the biggest revelation was for something that had latched on so tightly to my soul that it was suffocating not only me, but other relationships as well. That big lie that was holding me back and affecting my daily life? Fear of abandonment. This fear has come about from a variety of ways, but most likely sprouted from the history of best friends moving away year after year. I am the type of person who likes to pour my all into relationships and have had so many close and dear friends who have reciprocated that back. On the other end, I have had people come into my life who have made me feel like I was too much or not enough – who would not reciprocate the love I so eagerly craved. After seeing this pattern so many times in my life, I began to listen to the lie that I could never fully connect with another person because they would either move away or be superficial in the relationship. In time, I learned to harden my heart and put on a happy face so others wouldn't know the pain that was really going on inside of me. Nobody knew or cared to ask, which just exacerbated the cycle. I had no idea why I had such a difficult time trusting others but knew that this was not how God wanted me to keep living.
When the Lord helped me realize the root of my fear and pain this past week, I felt a huge weight being lifted off of my chest. I've come to realize the emptiness I had been feeling inside was the Holy Spirit crying out to grow and be filled with more. But first, God had to reveal to me my biggest fears so I could be released from the strongholds that were holding me captive. He gave me hope that I will have some lifelong friends from this journey and that it is okay to trust again. I can stand firm in His promises because I have seen revival and freedom come to my Spirit over the course of just one week.
We cannot be ashamed of our past or negative patterns in our life at present, because God wants to set the captives free. The truth is we don't have to carry the weight of our sins because Jesus died to carry them for us. You are SO loved and sought after every single day. God wants to win your heart over and see you filled with true happiness and joy. He can wash you clean as white as snow and give you peace unimaginable. We have to be willing to listen to the Spirit in us, appropriately grieve past hurts, and be prepared to find the root of our fears. It is not going to be easy and it will hurt. But freedom is so worth it.
