This is month two of being in Africa and I can finally feel my pulse again. I have begun to appreciate the beautiful African air and the breath in my lungs. But, you see, this was not the case a few months ago; I was dead. Let me back up to months 4-6 on the Race, where this really took off. As many of you have read my previous blogs of Honduras to El Salvador, you can see that they were full of miraculous events and Jesus-jaw-dropping kind of experiences. The Lord healed baby Sofia in front of my eyes and I got to hold the hand of a man named Ricardo, caught in prostitution, while weeping and sharing my testimony with him. These are some of the most amazing memories I will cherish and hold on to for the rest of my life. They are engraved in my heart and mind.
Now we have arrived to the breathtaking countryside of Bankya, Bulgaria (This is month 4 on the race, by the way). This was a great month of being involved in the local church, bonding with fellow sisters and watching a little too much New Girl. Though this month had many wonderful Jesus-filled days, it was not what I had expected. Heart rate slowing to 40 beats per minute…
Month 5 I was in Albania with most of my squad doing manual labor. I helped paint fences, picnics, churn cement for hours on end and work with the lovely excrements of the farm animals. Though I love doing construction and manual labor type projects, I craved fellowship with the local community and wanted to get out and meet Albanians. I wanted to lay hands on the sick and pray for those on the street. But where were they? Again, my expectations were not met. Heart rate slowing to 30 beats per minute…
Month 6 was our first month in Africa. This was an exciting time because not only were were in Zambia, but we were the Unsung Hero team for the month. This means we were on our own and our task was to find unrecognized churches and other organizations that were Kingdom-focused in attempt to partner with the World Race in the future. We also got the opportunity to visit an orphanage and do ministry for a day. This was unlike any month on the Race. In fact, I didn’t even feel like I was on the Race. Maybe it was the bumping music that played until 3 AM every day at our hostel or the fact that we were in charge of our own schedule. Either way, I realized I was slowly falling away from the Lord.
Reading the Bible was not as enticing as it once was (just months ago) and spending time with Jesus seemed more of a hassle than anything. I didn’t hear or see from the Lord how I used to at the beginning of the Race. His tangible presence was fading from my grasp and I was crashing. I wanted a month of “Ask the Lord,” where we pray and go forth into the community meeting people and praying for them. I wanted more and I could feel it in my soul but was unsatisfied with the lack of results being produced. I left that month feeling like I was “just getting by” and I was struggling to see why God had called me out of my job and on to the mission field. Because my mind was not centered on the Lord, I started to become worried about what the plan would be after the Race. I struggled with other thoughts and noticed I was falling into destructive thought patterns. Heart rate slowing to 15 beats per minute…. crashing… and, GONE.
Luckily, at debrief I got to talk with a dear friend of mine on the squad. I admitted that I felt like I was lost here and just wanted so badly to have more months like I did in Honduras and El Salvador. I was missing home and struggling. This sister of mine not only comforted and encouraged me, but she told of me a vision that she had received from the Lord. This is what she saw:
I was sitting on the top of a wall. I had one foot on one side of the wall and my other foot was dangling on the other side. One side of the wall represented the world and the other side represented God. I seemed to be unsure of which way to go, thus, I was just straddling the wall, feeling stuck.
God wanted me to be all in. But because of this free will thing, it had to be my choice. My mind was being consumed by the things of this world and was being tempted and under trial. Though, my spirit wanted nothing more than to please the one true God. I realized that I had become lukewarm. It made me think of the church in Laodicea:
“These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God’s creation. I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot nor cold – I am about to spit you out of my mouth”
(Revelation 3:14-16).
God detests this! He would rather us be ALL in for Him or not for Him at all, but not in between. So, after praying about this vision and asking the Lord to revive me back, I made the decision to dedicate my all to Him. *Monitor beeping* Returning to normal sinus rhythm…. Defibrillator successful.
As soon as I was resuscitated from death, I realized that there is so much power in an unshakeable faith. This month I have gotten the privilege to preach in front of our congregation at church and pray for those who are hurting and feel like they are forgotten. God has placed so many messages on my heart and I am so excited to share them with my brothers and sisters here. What a breath of fresh air. I don’t know if I would have had this same confidence a month ago. But this is what being all in for God does to you. He will use you to bring glory to Himself and His Kingdom. We just have to say yes. This walk with Christ is not an easy one. It takes fighting every single day for time with Him and for being able to see the beauty in the smallest of things. It takes forgoing any expectation that you have because God is going to show up and provide in every situation. God knows exactly what to do to wake us up from our slumber. There is much to do and He has called us to certain places for a reason. Don’t ever doubt who He is and what He has called you to do.
“Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it”
(Matthew 10:39).
