It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Yet, the Lord has been teaching me so much over these past few months. He is challenging me and stretching me in ways I never thought were possible. But more importantly, He is waking me up from a deep slumber that I had been living in for far too long. So what could possibly be so important that God had to shake me out of my comfortable REM cycle for? I already decided to go on the World Race, which is an 11 month commitment. I left my job, family, friends and so much more for this trip. Well, apparently that isn’t enough.
When I first left for this journey in January, I already had a “plan” in the back of my head just in case I didn’t get a clear answer from God by the end of the year. It was to move back to the U.S. (probably a new state) and get a nursing job, go back to graduate school and then go from there. When people asked what I wanted to do, I said it would probably be medical missions since I am a nurse. It makes sense right? I went to school for 4 years to be nurse… I am good at it, passionate about it and knowledgeable. But as months started to pass by, God revealed a huge fear of mine that I never really knew existed. It’s that I am actually terrified of that plan. I am scared to go back to how my life was and feel that emptiness again. I am tired of not trusting the Lord enough that I have to have a “back up plan” in case He doesn’t show up. Because He will always show up and His timing is perfect. To top that, His plans are always better than ours as well! I have tried so hard picturing myself going back to nursing – and who knows, maybe I will – but it made me dig deeper as to why I had such a fear of going back to the states and working as a nurse. In fact, I was kind of mad at God that He was revealing this to me and starting to wake me up to a much larger reality in my life. I mean, I love nursing, I loved my job and co-workers and I absolutely love school and definitely want to go back. But as He started to peel back one layer at a time, He showed me it was more an issue of pride. I was so much more concerned about what my family would say or what others would think of me if I didn’t go back and get a normal job. Did I just waste 4 years of college? Am I going to forget all of the skills and education I learned? What the heck am I going to do with my life now?
For those who know me well, I have always been the kind of person to have a plan. I have grown up thinking my success in life is defined by my profession and how much education I attain. And, honestly, that’s how most of America functions. We define success by status, our careers, how high we can climb in the corporate latter and the connections we make. But what’s the point? This life is FLEETING. The life we are living is just a blink of the eye in comparison to eternity. So why have I been so concerned about what society thinks – about what others think – than focus on the One who truly matters? I’d much rather live for the eternal than for the temporary one set before us. You see, God is revealing to me that He is proud of me for the woman I am right here and now. He is not proud of me because I am a nurse, or that I can achieve good grades, or because of anything that has deemed me “successful” in the eyes of others. He simply loves me because He created me. Because I am obeying and following HIS will for my life. Once you truly understand and wrap your mind around that, it becomes so much easier to let go of what others think of you. I have never felt more alive in my life! I wake up and am giddy because I get to serve Him every day and grow into the woman He created me to be. The best decision I have ever made in my life has been this: to say yes to the Lord. To say yes to surrendering my life to Him because He sent his Son to lay down His life for ME. That doesn’t just entail surface level things or a superficial relationship. No – He wants ALL of us. He wants more than the Sunday church goer and lukewarm hearts. He is worthy of our praise. And guess what? I can assure you that He does all things for our good.
So, I know this is just the beginning for me. I am hungry for more and I am not going to turn away from the only thing that satiates that hunger. It is going to be hard. There are going to be times where I think for a moment it would be easier to just get a nice job and settle down in a white-picket-fence type house (I am not saying there is anything wrong with this – you can really minister to others wherever you are!). But personally, I know that I am called to the Nations at some point in my life. I have no idea where or what I will be doing. I have no idea what is next at all. Maybe He will use nursing, maybe not. I will be happy and content either way. But I know I would rather wake up every day and minister to children who have been sex trafficked, or those who have been abused or abandoned… whatever it may be – than try and satisfy the things of this world. This race is just preparation for what is to come next. There are much bigger things ahead. Thank you Lord, for waking me up from the deepest of sleep. Thank you for revealing to me other passions and things You have gifted me with. Thank you for giving me discernment between my flesh and new self. And thank you for saving me from the emptiness that comes without You.
