I have to warn you all that this blog is going to be one of the most heartfelt, graphic and open ones I have written thus far. But I know that the Lord wanted me to write it. Let me back up to debrief in Antigua, Guatemala. Debrief is supposed to be a relaxing and fun time with our entire squad. We got to enjoy hot showers, real beds, tasty food, and other leisurely activities (like hiking one of the world’s most active volcanoes). The days were filled with walking the streets of Antigua and shopping at cute boutiques. In the evenings, we had a session that was led by our squad mentor, Hope. These evening sessions were supposed to be a time of drawing nearer to the Lord and getting closer to our squad mates, who were just strangers two months ago. It was the second evening at debrief that I remember as clear as day. Hope asked us if we would share about our current and past struggles. She felt the Lord telling her that He wanted to bring freedom to each and every one of us. As soon as she opened the floor to our squad, it was quiet.
My first reaction to this was essentially numbness. I did not think I would end up sharing anything because I had no idea what I struggled with in the past or at present. I knew things I had already shared with my team and a few trusted squad mates but I did not think it was necessary to share them in front of the whole squad. What could that do for me anyway? As soon as people started opening up about their past or things they are currently held in bondage to, I felt God nudge me. My head raced as He flooded my mind with memories and heartaches that I had tried to stuff down from the past. Hurts from broken friendships and relationships, feeling left out, feeling different than everyone else… But I knew He wanted me to share the one thing I did NOT want to share with anyone, let alone my whole squad. No, God, I am going to be so embarrassed! It is going to be so uncomfortable and I am terrified of how people might view me. But regardless of my faulty thought process and emotions, I could feel freedom’s beauty at the tips of my fingers. I wanted it so bad, no matter how people viewed me. I was so tired of feeling numb and pushing my hurts so far down in attempt to forget about them. I wanted freedom from these struggles and strongholds so bad that I was willing to step outside my comfort zone and share it with the squad, leaders, coaches, and mentor.
When I woke up the next morning after session, I felt uneasy. I knew that God wanted me to share what was on my heart and what I had been struggling with for so many years that night. As evening session rolled around, I prayed and prayed for courage to speak up and that the Holy Spirit would just speak through me. After someone else had just got done talking about feeling numb to many things and yearning for that deeper relationship with God, I knew I had to go next. Before I realized it, I had spoken, “I’ll go.” As soon as I comprehended that that actually came from my mouth, I started to shake but knew that God would walk me through what I was about to say next.
I have to preface this by saying I love my dad so, so much and the Lord is working on mending our relationship to its fullest. He is an amazing man and wonderful father. I am so thankful for him and give all the credit of transformation to God. That being said, my relationship with my dad was not the best growing up. Apparently, I was a daddy’s girl when I was really little and then as soon as I got into middle school, things changed. I do credit a lot this to teenage hormones but my dad and I got into many fights during those next 6 years. My dad usually kept to himself and I didn’t feel like I really knew who he was. Because of this strained relationship we had, I searched for fulfillment elsewhere. I tried so hard to impress men and yearned for that attention in order to gain what I did not have from my father (**I do not blame any of this on him – just a part of the process that God has revealed to me and I would not take back a minute of it). After I broke up with my high school boyfriend my sophomore year in college, I really turned away from many of the morals I once held. Have you ever felt like you had this huge, gaping hole inside of you? I felt alone and not enough. I was listening the lies of the enemy for too long. Since I didn’t know the Lord, I tried to fill this hole with approval from men, friends, alcohol, partying, materialism and the list goes on.
Because of this “party on the weekend” lifestyle I held, and my lack of self-worth, I had some terrible things happen to me during my junior of college. Without going into too much detail, I have only started to process the fact that I have been date raped over 3 times. I remember deliberately saying “no” to these men and wanting more than anything to run out of the room and get away. For a long time I pushed this down inside of me and felt so much guilt and shame. I thought it was my fault for putting myself in that situation. I felt so used and pushed aside by men. Although I knew in my head I was more than what had happened to me, in my heart I felt abandoned and not good enough. I was so hurt by men that they could do that to women for their own selfish desires. This, among other relationships of my past, led me to not trust men. I have always had a hard time having guys as friends because it always turns into something more and I don’t ever really feel comfortable. Although I’ve always been “picky” about the men I date, I was terrified of what my future husband would think of me. I also had the mindset that there weren’t any Godly men out there or if there were, there wasn’t one for me.
I am sure that I am not the only one who has gone through something terrible like this. My heart aches for other women and men who have gone through this experience and have turned to other things because of it. I want you to know that you ARE enough, your past does NOT define who you are and you can overcome this. This life is too short to carry around burdens from our past and drag them alongside of us to our present and future. It is not worth listening to lies of the enemy and this world that we should be ashamed or are less of a person because of these things. I can tell you that when I opened my mouth and spilled out everything that was on my heart from being hurt by men to having trust issues and becoming numb because of the things I chose to stuff down inside of me, I felt a HUGE weight being lifted off of me. I literally felt the chains that held me down for so long fall to the ground. I AM FREE! There is absolutely no shame or guilt in what happened to me and I can enjoy the gifts God has in front of me to the fullest. He is beginning to restore my relationships with men and women as well. Jesus is so good! I know that He was with me during everything that happened and continues to walk forth with me now. I know who I am in Christ and I am confident in all that He has promised me. Freedom reigns in this place.
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come..” 2 Corinthians 5:17
“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for his own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of him who called you out of darkness into his marvelous light.” 1 Peter 2:9
