I’m going to be honest with you folks. Uganda was not an easy month for me. There were many factors as to why that was the case. And it would be so easy for me to go on this passionate rant about all the frustrations and discouragements and disappointments.
But I dont want to.
Instead I want to share about how good and faithful the Lord was through it all. How He creates such beauty from the messiness of hardship. How He walks alongside me in the valleys, speaking to my heart and fueling my spirit with heavenly revelations, even when I struggle to keep walking as I feel so weak and tired. How His love transforms and redeems even the most discouraging and frustrating of circumstances and situations.
So, a week or so ago I emailed a dear friend of mine back in the States, word-vomiting this month as I processed the state of my heart. And I thought I’d share some of that email with you, as it was very much the Lord’s words flowing from my fingers. I cant take credit for it.
“Every day is a fight. For joy. Hope. Faith. Trusting that as I walk through this valley my Good Shepherd is leading me to those greener pastures my soul is craving. Fighting for the truth when I get attacked every day that I’m failing as a leader or that I’m totally blowing it as a missionary. Every day He trusts me enough to give me a choice. To choose Him over myself and my flesh that can so easily sit in the frustration and discouragement. To see His goodness and faithfulness in this dry desert. To keep chasing His heart and the beauty of His Kingdom invading even when I am so weak, broken, and exhausted, believing that even in those moments His glory surrounds me and I’m covered in His radiance. Choosing to trust His holy and perfect ways even when they dont match up with mine or what I expect. Like how He’s crafted this to be a month of being, not doing. For in simply being He can speak to me heavenly things, who He is and who I am in Him, without the distraction of doing. Cause by stripping me of doing, I have nothing with which to justify my worth before Him. I’m bare. Vulnerable. Resting only on faith and His sweet whispers of love penetrating the depths of my heart. This month He’s refining me. He’s testing me. Shaping my character to reflect more of His. Growing my faith and trust in Him in the face of these obstacles and hardships. And so every morning He awakens me with these questions, “Beloved, do you trust Me? Do you trust My love for you?” So I’m learning to see as He sees, what He sees, when He looks at me, others, and the world around me. Learning to see all things through the lens of His love. For there is beauty in the mess of hardship, but I need His help to see it. I need His Spirit to rise up and overcome my flesh. I need to remember that the Race, life even, is not solely about doing but being. For doing springs out of our being. Who we are determines what we do and why we do it. So in order to do things for love and by love, I must first be in love. I must rest in Love, my true identity. And so I’m thankful He loves me this much to teach me this. To give me this season to grow and refine me, tending to my Spirit and shaping my divine identity rooted in Him. That He cares about me so much to prepare and equip me for the holy calling He’s so graciously placed on my life. And so I choose to praise Him. To thank Him even when I am drenched in sweat and wanting so badly to just sleep in a bed. I choose to see Him in the places and people around me even when I struggle to find what my purpose is here. To let go of these expectations and pressures I put on myself that are so not from Him, and to take on His yoke that is easy and His burden that is light. To believe that this month is not wasted but in fact has been one of glorious transformation that I’m just beginning to see in myself.”
This month the Lord unleashed heaven into my heart. His love has captivated me in such new and refreshing ways that even the hardships could not hinder. Because nothing can stop His Kingdom from invading. My heart. This world. He is a Father so reckless and relentless in His pursuit of His children, the people He loves beyond measure.
I am so thankful for this month. Even for the many crappy moments. Because He used all of them to teach me. To speak to me. To transform me. And so how can I not rejoice and praise Him for working all things for my good? Sure, I may not see the goodness in the moment, but He is so faithful. His love never fails.
