Do you ever just get completely overwhelmed with your thoughts and feel like you’re about to crumble? The average reader is probably thinking to themselves “Yeah every night before bed.” Well for me lately it wasn’t just before bed, it was at work, at church, during worship, during service, during hangouts, at dinner, in the car, pumping gas, riding elevators, and everywhere in between. I was waging war with my thoughts about leaving for the race in the next fifty something days. Overwhelmed was an understatement. I felt like I was in despair. I had deadlines to meet that were not happening and vaccinations that were yet to be taken or gear for the race yet to be thought of. I couldn’t even get myself together to organize fundraisers because everything that was going on inside. I felt like something that was supposed to make me draw closer to God was deterring me away.
Then I had a moment of realization and realized this is all the enemy getting into my thoughts and into my head about things. God is a God of order wouldn’t allow me to be at the brink of chaos and destruction. I’ve overcome a lot worse than where I was right now. I had to stop fighting this fight on my own and sought out some wisdom and guidance from my World Race Mobilizer. I spoke to her about deadlines and where I was at and my emotions, yes all my emotions. We talked about a lot of things about what happens when this isn’t met or achieving this and doing this. And at the end of the conversation I felt completely encouraged and better once I finally talked to someone about it. One of the things we talked about was possibly going on a later route.
I talked about it to my mom and my sister about everything that was said with my mobilizer and what I was contemplating. I didn’t really want to do a later route because I loved my route I was on. It was perfect to me and my squad was filled with incredible people who made me laugh yet prayed for me always. Growing so close to them and then departing from them would hurt so much. Personally I wanted to leave with my squad in June but there just didn’t seem to be any peace about this decision. I decided to actually start thinking about changing my route and looked at some other route options in September. There were some routes that I wouldn’t mind going on. I couldn’t even fathom that I was contemplating this.
Then it came down to the day where decisions had to be made. I either had to put in my two weeks for my job or change my route. I was at work and I just wasn’t at peace about all of this. Then all of a sudden fire alarms start going off and the building had to be evacuated. The power shut down and people weren’t allowed back in. This wasn’t a usual drill nor was there a fire. I took this as a sign from God that he was giving me time to come to a decision. So everyone waited idly by and I began to wander. Not just in the physical sense but again in my mind. I was walking around a pond and Psalm 23 came to mind.
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.
Psalm23:1-3
It was this verse in particular that brought me comfort and help usher the choice that was ultimately going to bring my mind at peace. I called up my mobilizer and begun to discuss thing in doing a route change. And by the time I got off the phone I was ultimately leaving in September officially. I felt like I just broke up with someone but it was a huge relief and glad to have done it because we just weren’t meant to be. Yeah I was a bit sad writing to my whole squad telling them I won’t be going with them any longer, then all of them chiming in on how sad they were about me leaving. Then I realized that I Had so much more time to regroup, reapproach fundraising, get myself more organized and situated for vaccinations and gear. I drove off to my church and ended up talking to my college pastor about the decision I had made.
I was basically word vomiting everything that I was feeling to her in her office. How I though everyone else was going to feel about me not leaving from what I said I originally was, and how I’m still trying to pursue my calling throughout all this . My pastor reassured me that not all missionaries get their funds when they would like and get delayed but I had to regroup and have victory form this. I can now fundraise more and organize myself better and still love on people at home. There was a lot to feel at peace about and the new route I’m on is just as exciting and adventurous with a desperate need for the gospel. There’s a song currently that the lyrics best described how I was feeling.
“Your love surrounds me when my thoughts wage war, when night screams terror there Your voice will roar. When day breeds trouble there you’ll hold my heart, come storm or battle God I know your peace will meet me there. “
And as the day progressed I told the news nervously to a couple friends. I talked as I watched their face go from a quick smile to true concern. They all wanted to be ecstatic that I was staying with them longer but understood where I was coming from about leaving later. They agreed that it would be best for me and God is still going to use me out on the world race. Hearing that from them just gave me more relief about my decision to go on a later route. So I headed home for the day and reflected on decisions that were made and how life could play out from here on out. It was different this time, it wasn’t thoughts of worry, and doubt, and fear but thoughts of encouragement, and excitement, and acceptance. I didn’t have to fight with my thoughts and calmly rest my eyes to sleep sound as can be. I spent some time praying and worshiping to God and there was so much more freedom in that time than ever before.
The following day I continued my day thinking about the day prior and how it was not a dream. I changed my route, I’m leaving later, I told people, and I’m ok. I continued to do life. I did check in on my old squad they got a message from my old mobilizer saying they had a huge announcement for their squad. My old squad was just thinking that maybe their route was changing a bit or something. It was actually something much more bigger than that. With training camp coming up so soon for them and the amount of people that signed up for this route was so low the staff of the world race decided to drop the route all together. That meant that everyone on that route would have to decide on a current route to join and be a part of. I was in complete shock and so was my old squad. I made this decision the day before they announced this to my old squad and found my new squad to be a part of already.
I took that as confirmation that I feeling not at peace with leaving in June was completely valid. Had I not made a decision the next day a decision would have been made for me. Now my old squad was going through the motions of having to choose between three routes and separating from each other. Looking from an outward perspective I’m glad it went this way and I made the decision for myself rather than the World Race staff tells me to change routes. I already have my new route, new squad mates, new mobilizer, and a new journey to unfold. This means a lot of change is taking place at home too. Overall I’ve found my peace with all of this. God met me where I’m at and now I just have to continue to be obedient. I’ll be able to do a lot more things here but I can’t let myself get distracted like I did this past time. You live and learn, then grow.
With all of this being said I can now tell you about my new route. It’s an all Asia route which I am super excited about. I was choosing between this one and another one that was a lot more similar to my old route and this one ended up heavier on my heart .I’m glad it was this one because the other one ended up being full and I would have been wait-listed like one of my old squad mates. Asia it is!
I’ll be traveling to China, Mongolia, Japan, Nepal, India, Malaysia, Thailand, the Philippines, Cambodia (Cambodian birthday woot woot!), Vietnam, and Indonesia. So a few things: I’m bummed to not be going to Africa or Europe anymore but I’m still going to all my original Asian countries, I’m so excited to go to Mongolia and Japan, India is always a life changing trip I hear, and I get to help the people that were devastated in Nepal. Regardless of what I want, I know God is guiding my footsteps to help his people and help me even more than I can help them in this process.
I leave now in September and the time for me to leave has doubled. I please ask that you continue to keep me in prayer throughout all this and consider help supporting me financially whether you have already or not! There’s something more to this route that God has brought me too and I can’t wait to discover about this! If you’re someone who’s already been a part of the World Race and could share some insight I would love to hear from you so email me at [email protected]
