Something that’s been heavy on my heart.
Would I ruin everything I’ve worked for if I didn’t pursue the one thing that I spent countless hours, tears & effort on?
Is this what the Lord has for me?
Did I waste my time?
How disappointed will my parents be?
What will people think if I come home & I don’t pursue nursing?
Have I failed myself?
Is this a fear of failing or do I genuinely not have a desire to pursue this career?
The list goes on & on.
Thinking about this, putting my thoughts on paper – it isn’t something that comes easy for me. But, I’ve been in San Jose for a month this coming Sunday and I wanted to share some things the Lord has been working through.
Identity
Who am I?
Carley Jo Wendel, 22 years old. Born & raised in Middletown, Ohio & recently graduated Wright State University with a Bachelors in Science and Nursing.
Yes, I am all of these things.
But, who am I?
I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. The Lord says I am enough because I am His. This is something that I recite to myself on a regular basis because the concept of being worthy, of being enough because I am a daughter of the most high king isn’t something that is necessarily new to me. But, the act of choosing to believe that statement wholeheartedly is a different story. I come from a background of checking boxes, crossing things of lists and eyes set solely on completing accomplishments. It wasn’t until this month that I realized how much weight I truly put on the accomplishments I achieved based off of how I perceived myself and wanted others to perceive me.
For example, one of the first things I would say to people when I would meet them for the first time pretty much went like this “Hi my name is Carley and I just graduated nursing school”. Although there is nothing wrong with this statement I unknowingly put a sole part of my identity, of who I am in the title of my career.
Yes, I am Carley Jo Wendel, RN BSN.
But I am also just Carley.
My career, my major, my title, none of these are who He says I am. He calls me worthy, honest, a light, daughter, enough. He calls me his – “He wasn’t lying when He called you his sheep, His child, His beloved” was something that was prayed over me when our house elder was here at the AIM base.
& he wasn’t lying.
I am His sheep
I am His kid
I am His beloved
Nothing in me wants more than for Him to lead me on a path of nursing. A path where I find my passion within such an incredible career. I wholeheartedly believe that nurses are His earthly angels. The nurses that I have worked with, my friends that are now in the field, all of them are some of the most incredible humans I’ve had the pleasure of knowing.
& if that isn’t His plan? Well that’s ok too. Learning to put my trust in Him, obeying Him without question – this is what we are called to do.
Pride
Being prideful. Google told me that pride is defined as “a feeling or deep pleasure or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of those with whom one is closely associated, or from qualities or possessions that are widely admired”.
The first question I thought of after reading this definition was: “If I didn’t check the boxes, cross things off lists & have my eyes solely set on accomplishments, if I had none of these – what would bring me deep pleasure or satisfaction?”
I’ll admit, I took longer answering this question than I would have liked. But, if I had none of the “things” in life I would say the genuine joy I receive from spending time with my community, belly laughs, authentic conversation and vulnerability would become the center of what brings me deep pleasure and satisfaction.
I encourage you to ask yourself this same question. What would life be like for you if you shifted your thinking from what “things” can I do/achieve/accomplish to what “things” do I get to fill my soul with?
Life is like an empty jar. If you only fill it with with golf balls (accomplishments & things) you’ll get your jar filled faster than others. But, the jar will never actually become full. It’s the sand (the joy, the belly laughs and the conversation) that will fill in all the empty space between the golf balls that matters.
Perspective
This leads me to perspective. The art of changing your attitude based off of accepting a different point of view. Perspective is something that Abba is teaching me everyday. He’s given me a passion to seek people’s hearts. To really see them, to understand why people are the way they are based off of what they’ve been through.
A passion for perspective. For me this looks like constantly pursuing different opinions, thoughts and experiences. For me this also looks like an abundance of grace. Grace for myself because I am constantly learning and grace for others who might need to be called higher to this subject.
What does perspective mean to you?
What do you think the world would look like if more people pursued their neighbors perspective?
Being still
Stillness, the absence of movement or sound. For those who know me, you might guess that this is something I struggle with. My mind constantly racing thinking about others, what their thinking, my day, what my week looks like, etc. Learning to shut my mind off and be present with the Lord – yeah that’s the good stuff. The hard stuff but the stuff I don’t want to miss out on.
This season has been a lot of fighting with Him about being still and wanting answers to my unknown future. The Lords humor is something that I have really grown to know and love. He teaches me things EVERYDAY. Sometimes he will show me things multiple times a day or throughout the week and what a blessing it is. Because following Him is hard.
Accepting Christ is the easiest thing we are called to do. Becoming His, what happened on the cross happened for you & me.
Living a life dedicated to the Lord, now that doesn’t come easy. He never said it was going to be easy but it sure is worth it.
Being still is a continued battle for me but, it’s given me insight on the roles of perspective, pride and identity in my life. After all, most times in life the hardest things are the ones worth fighting for.
