“My chest is tight and my anxiety is skyrocketing. My face, my body and my mind reveal more stress than ever before.
My heavy eyes need sleep but my restless mind and body won’t allow slumber. It’s been this way for days. The wind was let out of my sails Friday March 13 and I’ve yet to regain the courage to set sail again. In fact, I haven’t slept a full night since. Everything in my world has been rocked since then. It’s all changed rapidly and continuously. With travel decisions, debrief plans, quarantine regulations, the frenzied state of the U.S., and mourning the end of the Race, I’m unwell. Everything got flipped upside down in a matter of days. The world is in shambles and here I am… a confused, broken missionary trying to figure out what it all means and where to go from here.
This is a really hard season. This isn’t just “a trip getting cut short.” It’s a robbery. A robbery of peace, time and relationships. Honestly, I’m pissed. Exhaustion doesn’t even begin to describe my feelings emotionally, mentally and physically. Empty, hollow, numb – that’s more like it. Coming home from the World Race is HARD in general. Coming home from the World Race under these circumstances is so much harder. I’m searching near and far for positivity in this.
I’m checked out. I’m drained and I’m tired of being tired.”
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I wrote that during our final travel day. I was on a 14-hour flight, the second of four over the course of 2 days. I spent my 23rd birthday in the air with little leg room, severe jet lag and a warped reality.
I’ve officially been home four days now. Being home leaves me fatigued, perplexed and depleted. I’m different. America is different. Everything is different. I don’t know how to function in this apocalyptic state. I didn’t expect the contrast to hit as hard as it has.
Thankfully, sleep comes easier now. I’m readjusting to a new time zone, culture and lifestyle. Still, I hate quarantine and I’m angry at what this pandemic has stripped me of – the excitement of coming home, visiting my friends, hugging my family, eating at my favorite restaurants, going to my favorite places. I can’t even go to the store and get groceries because people look at me like I’m the walking plague, plus the shelves are bare. I keep thinking I will wake up from this nightmare, but it doesn’t seem to be getting any better. It might sound extreme, but reverse culture shock is real and it’s confusing, especially at a time like this.
I know this vulnerable update sounds dreary. For anyone who has “congratulated” me with happy greetings, I apologize if I don’t respond with excitement as you figured I would. I’m still processing and seeking the Lord in this mess. I’m trying to see the good and remain positive. I’m searching for guidance as I transition into the next season. I have no idea what is in store for my future. Frankly, I thought I had three more months to figure it out.
For now, I’m resting, I’m mourning, I’m listening. He’s got big plans for this season. I know it. Please pray I figure out what they may be! I’ll continue praying the same for all of you who are struggling through this odd Coronavirus paradigm.
Within a few weeks, I hope to have a clearer vision and will update accordingly. Thank you all for supporting me in this endeavor. It has been a journey I will cherish forever.
“The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?” Proverbs 20:24
