the end is the beginning.

 I have been home for exactly
one month.  Saturday, November 20^th
I boarded a plane from Kiev, Ukraine to New York City, with a slight layover in
Warsaw, Poland in between.  I have
absolutely no idea how long the flight was or really how I got from point A to
point B.  Like many of the transitions
for me this year, physical or otherwise, it was a blur.  I was a passenger seemingly falling asleep
one person in one place and waking up another. 

Was I an active
participant?  Yes and no.  I mean, I had to walk myself onto the plane,
I didn’t fight or struggle, but in the air, someone else was in control of my
movement, my progress, my journey.  I intentionally
pursued more and bigger growth as best I could on my own.  Yet sitting here, at the end of it all,
looking back on all that it was, on who I was in January and comparing that
person to who I am now, it is a path I never could have navigated alone any
more than I could have flown that plane from Kiev to New York.

 

For years I ignored the
calling that God had on my life and quieted his voice, diluting his words into
something safe – words that were not asking for big movement or challenging
commitment; a Spirit that wasn’t yearning for more intimacy, love,
transparency, and freedom.  I fought the
journey – I sat on the tarmac, pretending I wasn’t; pretending I liked it there. 

And then one day, when I
couldn’t stand it anymore, I got on board. 
I boarded a plane on January 3, 2010 and I was no longer in
control.  God directed, pushed, pulled,
and carried me from that boy to this man. 
He took me places I never could have gone, showed me things I never
would have seen, and taught me things I never would have learned, to do through
me things I never could have done.  All
of it, to show me who I am – who I was made to be.

 

At various times I have
talked about the transformation that has happened in me and in my life
throughout the past year.  I think that’s
inaccurate.  This year was not about
making me someone different and I didn’t transform into something new.  I believe I was made a new creation – I took
on a new identity – when I became a Christian somewhere between ages 8 and
12.  This is where we all too often get
it wrong by stopping short.  We think
this is the end.  The transformation
happens, but it’s not an end.  It’s a
beginning.    

 

This year was about the
gradual process of God revealing to me who I already am.  It was about the journey to unearth pure
identity; to replace untruth with truth, misunderstanding with knowledge.  It is a journey for the sake of the journey,
not for the destination – because there really is no destination.  We don’t arrive at an end – God is far too
big and far too complex for that.  The
intimacy and depth of relationship available between us is infinite.  And therein lies the beauty.  It is eternal.  Eternal life, shared with God.  I’m back in the United States, but the
journey isn’t over.