This is me approximately 24 years and
one week old. I look different than I used to. I am different than
I used to be. I have changed since January. I left saying I
wouldn’t let it happen. But it snuck up on me. I couldn’t help it.
Something has been happening.
one week old. I look different than I used to. I am different than
I used to be. I have changed since January. I left saying I
wouldn’t let it happen. But it snuck up on me. I couldn’t help it.
Something has been happening.
It has been happening since the day I
was born – somewhere around 8770 days ago, and counting. God knew
me before I was born – he knit me together – he made me something
no one else can be, to do things no one else can do. I recently
forgot that.
I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but
I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus from the blog world. This post marks my
first unique update in something like 40 days. It’s not that I’ve
been doing nothing. In fact, I’ve been doing a lot. It’s more that
I just didn’t know how to put words to what I’ve been going through –
and the words I did have I didn’t want to publish. Not because they
were inappropriate, or because they were too personal, but because I
didn’t think they were good enough. Because I didn’t like my reasons
– my answers were watered-down and my thoughts were stifled.
I’ve taken a bit of a hiatus from the blog world. This post marks my
first unique update in something like 40 days. It’s not that I’ve
been doing nothing. In fact, I’ve been doing a lot. It’s more that
I just didn’t know how to put words to what I’ve been going through –
and the words I did have I didn’t want to publish. Not because they
were inappropriate, or because they were too personal, but because I
didn’t think they were good enough. Because I didn’t like my reasons
– my answers were watered-down and my thoughts were stifled.
Ministry in Romania started off well.
I was genuinely enthused about life, possibilities, growth, and
exploration. This feeling lasted a couple weeks, and then something
just changed. I don’t really know what or why, but I just felt
different. It started slow at first, and then grew. Maybe I just
hit “the wall” that I told myself I’d never hit. I don’t know.
I felt tired, removed, and distracted. It was as if a cloud of
confusion and apathy hovered over me and settled. As the month
progressed our ministry became more challenging – language barriers
widened, physical walls (like lack of transportation) were erected,
cultural misunderstandings loomed like an elephant in the room of our
ministry. I became disheartened about our role in the lives of the
people we had come to serve and began to doubt myself, my gifts, my
identity.
I was genuinely enthused about life, possibilities, growth, and
exploration. This feeling lasted a couple weeks, and then something
just changed. I don’t really know what or why, but I just felt
different. It started slow at first, and then grew. Maybe I just
hit “the wall” that I told myself I’d never hit. I don’t know.
I felt tired, removed, and distracted. It was as if a cloud of
confusion and apathy hovered over me and settled. As the month
progressed our ministry became more challenging – language barriers
widened, physical walls (like lack of transportation) were erected,
cultural misunderstandings loomed like an elephant in the room of our
ministry. I became disheartened about our role in the lives of the
people we had come to serve and began to doubt myself, my gifts, my
identity.
Republic working at Sir Toby’s – a hostel owned and operated by
Christians (www.sirtobys.com). Basically our ministry was to serve
the hostel, the staff, and the guests – to work as if working for
the Lord. I even got the chance, against my will at first, to play some live “concerts” in the hostel’s basement pub. We had four amazing weeks of ministry, met some amazing
people, had some great conversations, and daily had the opportunity
to take our lives – transformed by the second and third world – and
live them out in a place very similar to the one we’ll be returning
to soon.
I absolutely love Sir Toby’s, the time
spent there, and the relationships birthed there. But throughout the
month I was still struggling with questions about myself and my
identity. Who am I, really? Why don’t I really care right now what
God has to say to me? Why don’t I want to do anything? What should
I want to do? What does God want me to do? What am I good at? Where should I go next? What is my calling? What am I
afraid of? Why is it so hard for me to let people in? Why don’t I
have more deep, close, intimate relationships? How do people around
me see me? How do I see myself? How does God see me?
spent there, and the relationships birthed there. But throughout the
month I was still struggling with questions about myself and my
identity. Who am I, really? Why don’t I really care right now what
God has to say to me? Why don’t I want to do anything? What should
I want to do? What does God want me to do? What am I good at? Where should I go next? What is my calling? What am I
afraid of? Why is it so hard for me to let people in? Why don’t I
have more deep, close, intimate relationships? How do people around
me see me? How do I see myself? How does God see me?
I wrestled with these questions for the
better part of the month. As the days went by, I could feel myself
physically doing the work and tasks given to me, but knowing I was
doing it on my own – that something was missing. I had lost the
spark and the energy that had propelled me through so much of the
year. I had lived this way before and I didn’t like the results. My
body was living, but I didn’t feel alive.
better part of the month. As the days went by, I could feel myself
physically doing the work and tasks given to me, but knowing I was
doing it on my own – that something was missing. I had lost the
spark and the energy that had propelled me through so much of the
year. I had lived this way before and I didn’t like the results. My
body was living, but I didn’t feel alive.
This may sound over-dramatic, but
honestly, it was a scary feeling. Probably nobody can remember the
first time they woke up in the morning, started to get up out of bed
and their arm was gone. Well, at least it feels that way. You sleep
too long, or awkwardly on your side and you wake up with your arm
“asleep.” You can’t feel it – what happened to your arm?!
Then you see it there, limp and lifeless, but you can’t move it. I’m
sure the first time that happened to me, tiny little Carl was
absolutely terrified.
honestly, it was a scary feeling. Probably nobody can remember the
first time they woke up in the morning, started to get up out of bed
and their arm was gone. Well, at least it feels that way. You sleep
too long, or awkwardly on your side and you wake up with your arm
“asleep.” You can’t feel it – what happened to your arm?!
Then you see it there, limp and lifeless, but you can’t move it. I’m
sure the first time that happened to me, tiny little Carl was
absolutely terrified.
This is how I felt spiritually. I knew
all the answers – I could tell you, theoretically, who I am and
what God says about me. I could tell you that I’ve changed this
year, that my life is new and different and that after all I’ve seen
and experienced I can never be the same. I could tell you that God
has big plans for me – that I have an undeniable purpose in Him.
But for the past few weeks, I just couldn’t feel it. I was scared
that I had lost it – that this part of myself was gone – that the
change I had been feeling and living for the past year had
disappeared seemingly overnight.
all the answers – I could tell you, theoretically, who I am and
what God says about me. I could tell you that I’ve changed this
year, that my life is new and different and that after all I’ve seen
and experienced I can never be the same. I could tell you that God
has big plans for me – that I have an undeniable purpose in Him.
But for the past few weeks, I just couldn’t feel it. I was scared
that I had lost it – that this part of myself was gone – that the
change I had been feeling and living for the past year had
disappeared seemingly overnight.
The truth is, it didn’t disappear, but
part of me had fallen asleep.
part of me had fallen asleep.
A limb “falling asleep” is caused
by a lack of blood flow to the limb. As we wake and move around, the
numbness is gradually replaced by a sharp tingling, like pins and needles, as the blood
returns to the lifeless limb and, though sometimes painful, mobility
slowly begins to return. Falling asleep spiritually is caused by a lack of spiritual “flow.” I had allowed myself to sit in that same position of questioning, frustration, and distrust of God for so long that I had cut off the ability for his spirit to flow freely in my life. So how do you wake up a spiritually
asleep “limb?”
by a lack of blood flow to the limb. As we wake and move around, the
numbness is gradually replaced by a sharp tingling, like pins and needles, as the blood
returns to the lifeless limb and, though sometimes painful, mobility
slowly begins to return. Falling asleep spiritually is caused by a lack of spiritual “flow.” I had allowed myself to sit in that same position of questioning, frustration, and distrust of God for so long that I had cut off the ability for his spirit to flow freely in my life. So how do you wake up a spiritually
asleep “limb?”
The same way – with movement. I had to be shaken. I
had to move myself, but I also needed people around me to shake me
back to life. In the past few weeks I received some amazing
encouragement from friends and family all over the world. People
have looked into my life and talked to me about my strengths, and
weaknesses – about what they see in me and about the work God has
done and is doing in my life. God has also been speaking –
confirming the truths he has told me so many times – about my
future, my dreams, my passions – about being changed and changing
the world through my relationship with him and his work in me.
had to move myself, but I also needed people around me to shake me
back to life. In the past few weeks I received some amazing
encouragement from friends and family all over the world. People
have looked into my life and talked to me about my strengths, and
weaknesses – about what they see in me and about the work God has
done and is doing in my life. God has also been speaking –
confirming the truths he has told me so many times – about my
future, my dreams, my passions – about being changed and changing
the world through my relationship with him and his work in me.
I turned 24 about a week ago. In the
days surrounding my birthday I received so much love and
encouragement from places I never expected it. I received countless awesome
emails and messages from family and friends, but some of the best
emails I got were from people who barely know me – or who I barely know. They are all the people from literally around the world who have come on this adventure with
me this year through this blog. Your emails and messages spoke about
how what I’m doing and how my words have impacted, encouraged, and
challenged you. I felt so empowered – not
because of me or anything I had really done – but because that day
I was reminded of why I’m special – I was reminded that I am part
of something much bigger than myself. Because I am part of His story.
days surrounding my birthday I received so much love and
encouragement from places I never expected it. I received countless awesome
emails and messages from family and friends, but some of the best
emails I got were from people who barely know me – or who I barely know. They are all the people from literally around the world who have come on this adventure with
me this year through this blog. Your emails and messages spoke about
how what I’m doing and how my words have impacted, encouraged, and
challenged you. I felt so empowered – not
because of me or anything I had really done – but because that day
I was reminded of why I’m special – I was reminded that I am part
of something much bigger than myself. Because I am part of His story.
My birthday itself, was in a lot of
ways just another day, but the change and rejuvenation it helped
bring in my life and my attitude was incredible. I saw results of
God’s work in my life. I was reminded of the fruit of his presence
in my life. I saw how much bigger I am than myself – because he
lives in me and works through me. Such an awesome birthday present. Thank you.
Now I’m in Canaan, Ukraine (about
30 minutes outside of Odessa) living this out. We are spending the
next two weeks doing some manual labor, putting on kids programs, and
a handful of other things in and around the community. It is
absolutely beautiful and I can’t think of a better place to finish
this year. I am thoroughly enjoying life and making the most of the time
we have left. Pouring out. Living life – and trying my best to
truly live it to the fullest – to live the life he has given me and
to live it abundantly.
30 minutes outside of Odessa) living this out. We are spending the
next two weeks doing some manual labor, putting on kids programs, and
a handful of other things in and around the community. It is
absolutely beautiful and I can’t think of a better place to finish
this year. I am thoroughly enjoying life and making the most of the time
we have left. Pouring out. Living life – and trying my best to
truly live it to the fullest – to live the life he has given me and
to live it abundantly.
I am wide awake.
Sun setting behind our apartment” in Ukraine.
View of the Black Sea from our front yard.
