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The World Race does a good job of pulling all of the crap out of you that have had not fully dealt with, make you look at it full in the face, and deal with it. Here’s a little peak into one thing that I have been processing and taking to the Lord. Trust. What does that word actually mean? Do you trust someone? Well depends on what you’re talking about. I trust people for a lot of things. I trust my teammates for more things than most of my family and friends back home when I stop to think about it. I trust they’ll be there for me when and if I get ridiculously ill from food and am on the toilet for hours. I trust that they have my best interests at heart. I trust that they will call me out when I do something not in my God-given character. I trust that they love me deeply and want me to grow into a Godly woman. But do I trust them enough to give them my heart fully? Do I trust them to spill all my deep dark secrets and become completely vulnerable with them, all the time? Do I trust that the relationship is not going anywhere? Do I trust that it will last? That’s where it gets a little tricky. In the past I’ve had friends come and go, some with just the swing of things in life and normal changes. But some friendships have crumbled apart and left me with a sickening feeling. A feeling that even after years of moving on again and again doesn’t leave you completely. A feeling that leads to you feeling that you have done things that is unforgivable in people’s eyes, and possibly God’s. A feeling that leads you to beat yourself to a pulp emotionally when you have the slightest bump in the road with a good friend. It leads you to think that you have completely screwed up the relationship once again, and that once again, you have pushed those you have loved deeply away, and are once again, alone. Because you have convinced yourself that majority of relationships that have ended is completely and without a doubt your fault. It leaves you at times to want to take yourself away to a faraway island. An island where you don’t hurt anyone and they don’t hurt you. Some say it is better to have loved than never loved at all. Well it doesn’t feel that way when you have fallen into a deep and muddy pit filled with regret and self-hatred. This earthly issue transfers to my relationship with my Heavenly Father. A Father who has told me time and time again that He forgives me for all of my trespasses and transgressions, and that I am beloved and perfect in His eyes. Literally. In the BIBLE. And yet, I sin against Him by doubting these truths. I sin against Him by not casting my cares on Him and carrying them around in a backpack so overflowing with filth that I can hardly take a step. Most of all, I sin against Him for not trusting Him completely. Lord, create in me a clean heart. Continue to teach me how to turn all my cares and burdens to you. Break me of my mistrust and allow me to love recklessly and furiously. |
