“He will give us a mountain top experience in Paradise, and then brings us through anguish of soul lest we think that we have rise above the need for total reliance on His grace”. –John Piper
I’ve struggled on this trip lately. A Lot. This may come as a surprise to some of you, but this trip hasn’t been all smiles and blessings and constant growth. The past three months I have experienced something that is very new in my life: anxiety. Yes in the past I’ve gone through days of when something stressful comes into my life that causes worry, but then the problem is solved or overcome and I bounce back to my normal care free positive Cara self. This is something new altogether.
I’ll take you back to Malaysia in January. I was raised up to team lead at the beginning of the month. And the majority of the month went beautifully. I was feeling affirmed by my teammates and squad leaders, confident, capable, etc. Our team was growing in unity each day and I felt “successful” as a team leader. We took a trip on our off days to a nearby island close to the end of our month. One of the days I was speaking to my teammate and the innocent conversation led to relationships and comparison started to sink in my heart. All of these lies that I thought were gone in my mind started popping up. “You’re not good enough”, “You’re never preferred”, “How could you be so silly to think people care that much about you?” The enemy saw the open door to my weaknesses, and he swept in swiftly. The self-hatred I felt then knowing that I was allowing these thoughts to permeate into my soul turned into a vicious cycle and led me further into the pit. It took a day at least of seeking His truth and prayer from my team to bring me out of it. But I still felt shaky, rocked to my core, and disgraced that I had allowed such lies to have power over me.
Then we came to our squad debrief at the end of the month and as we approached the city of Kuala Lumpur I could feel the tension in me building. The first team debrief with me as a team leader. What would our squad leaders, mentors, and coaches ask my team? What would my teammates reveal that they hadn’t told me? Would our team look unified? What did I do wrong? What should I have done better? All of these thoughts flooded my brain. On top of that I could still feel the self-hatred and lack of self-worth in my soul, and I fought hard to keep it at bay. The team debrief went wonderfully of course, all my worries so irrational. Yet the anxiety throughout debrief lasted on and off. The day we left for Vietnam a few in my X-Squad family prayed over me, and I left feeling much lighter. Struggle gone right?
Wrongo. Fast forward to now: Here I am in Month 8 in the country of Laos sitting on my bunk bed of the hostel, fighting the chest tightness that comes without warning. Malaysia. Vietnam. Cambodia. Laos. All countries where the anxiety has come up at some point. (Side note: Both Vietnam and Cambodia have also been 2 of my favorite months.) Worry about team leading, not team leading, team unity, feedback, conflict, relationships, friendships, future, failure, self-worth, trust in God, growth, etc. I could write all day about nitty gritty details of the struggles, but that is not important.
It has been hard. But God has shown me so much through all of this, all that can’t possibly be put into words onto a blog. But I would like to share one thing He revealed to me this morning:
I have pride. I started laughing to myself when I realized how prideful I can be. We have talked on our squad how pride and insecurity go hand in hand. And man can I verbalize my insecurities. But I’ve been learning through this much it interplays with my pride, and it takes me away from God in so many ways.
And that is why I didn’t want to write this blog. I didn’t want to write this blog and still say that I’m struggling. I have loathed each time that I have had to ask for prayer and support. Every time I say “I feel anxious” “My chest hurts”, “I’m not okay” it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. It makes me want to run away every time someone asks me how I’m doing. I know that I have to answer them truthfully, and I hate the answer. I wanted to write this blog and say “I’m all better!” “Look what God did; it’s all gone!” So I’ve been waiting these past months for this season to pass so I can tell people look at what I went through, and don’t have to talk about what I’m currently going through. Why? Because that makes me feel weak and vunerable. PRIDE. Pride that I desire to tell people about my successes and how I overcame past failures.
But God is with me just as much in this period of my life. He is constant. He is good all the time and all the time He is good. And to not praise Him through the low points in my life would be robbing others of knowing His goodness, mercy, and grace. He is teaching me what it means to fully trust Him while He reminds me of humility and pride.
I will leave you with how God revealed this to me through Deuteronomy 8:2-10
“Remember that the Lord your God led you on the entire journey these 40 years in the wilderness, so that He might humble you and test you to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep His commands. He humbled you by letting you go hungry; then He gave you manna to eat, which you and your fathers had not known, so that you might learnt that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. Your clothing did not wear out, and your feet did not swell these past 40 years. Keep in mind that the Lord your God has been disciplining you just as a man disciplines his son. So keep the commands of the Lord your God by walking in His ways and fearing Him. For the Lord God is bringing you into a good land, a land with streams of water, springs, and deep water sources, flowing in both valleys and hills; a land of wheat, barley, vines, figs, and pomegranates; a land of olive oil and honey; a land where you will eat food without shortage, where you will not lack nothing, a land whose rocks are iron and from whose hills you will mine copper. When you eat and are full, you will praise the Lord your God for the good land He has given you”.
