This is a journal entry of God speaking to me last night during our session:
Release…
-Fear of being let down or hurt by Me
-Trust
-That you are the harlot
-Your identity
-That I am not sufficient
-Lies that you believe about yourself
-Lies that you believe about Me.
-I take away things you love.
Let Me Heal…
-Your heart
-Your image
-Your view of yourself
-Your pain… the hurts that have been unwelcome, but given none-the-less.
Let me redeem…
-Your body
-The lies about Me
-Your mind
"Give me the chance to prove Myself. That I not only heal others, but I can heal you too. It is my delight to do so. Cara, I want you. Everything. All of you. Let Me pursue you."
Carly (Squad mentor) gave us an invitation to write down a lie we believe about ourselves, share it with the squad with details if we wanted, wad it up, and burn it.
I stood up. Walked to the front paper in hand. Honestly, I didn't want to give up my lie. It was comfortable. It was easier to continue the cycle of being broken hearted than to give up control. How twisted is that?
Deep breath. Cry. Deep breath. Cry.
I couldn't speak. Satan tortured me those 3-4 seconds of silence. "If you admit you feel this way you will never get married. This is a silly thing to say in front of all of these people. It's embarrassing. You should keep this to yourself."
I've never actually said it out loud, but it has most certainly plagued me for years on end.
Trembling voice and buckets of tears I finally said it…
"I am giving up the lie that I am incomplete without a husband."
And I have done just that.
God is starting to show me who I am as I am allowing Him into the most sensitive places in my heart. This is not easy, but SO worth it.
Thank you, Daddy for never stopping pursuing me! Thank you for never giving up no matter how many times I said no. Even though You've gently taken me by hand to this place 1,000 times and I've refused.. You asked one more time. Finally, I said yes. My wall is down in my most vulnerable place. You have full access! Tell me who I am because I desperately want to know!
