Terrified isn't a good enough word to described how I felt when I knew I was going to get my tattoo.
I have gone twice in my life to get them and have chickened out both times out of fear of the pain.
This time was no different. After going up to the tattoo shop, asking how much it would cost, watching the tattoo artist complete a tattoo on an Italian gentleman to critique his work, ask how long it would take, and draw up the tattoo.. I left. I couldn't do it.
I was too afraid of the pain. I knew it's what I wanted. I had settled that. I knew the meaning behind it and how significant it was to me. But I just couldn't do it.
As I was walking away I was reminded that this is what I always do when it comes to pain. I manipulate any situation, justify anything, build up walls, and control whatever I can so I don't have to experience emotional pain. Push it away, don't talk about it, not going there…
I knew I had to do it. I knew I had to push through the fear of the pain. This was more than just getting a tattoo for me. It was deciding that I will no longer block out pain. That I will accept it as it comes. I will release control to Jesus. There was also a commitment that came along with getting the tattoo. It meant never going back to my old ways. It meant choosing daily to make decisions that helped me along my path of healing.
In Starbucks I cried and confessed my overwhelming fear of pain. They encouraged me to push through the fear. So we walked back. I was sweating. I was taking deep breaths. I was talking a lot. I was being VERY DRAMATIC. Then he started…
…and it didn't even hurt.
The Meaning Behind My Tattoo:
The tattoo is a cross on my left ring finger (yes my wedding band finger). For those of you who don't know my story I have struggled with men/marriage being my idol. Instead of turning to Christ I would choose to turn to men hoping they would fill the void that only Christ can fill.
This tattoo wouldn't be significant if it weren't on my wedding ring finger. It signifies that no man is permanent, so I can't put my hope in him. No man can satisfy me like Christ. No man can love me like Christ. No man, not even my husband, can pursue me like Christ does. One day, my wedding band may come off. That is reality. My husband may die. My husband may choose to leave me (in that case I may say where are we going? I'm coming too! lol). But Jesus NEVER does. He is faithful.
So this is my physical reminder of those truths. It's a reminder of where Jesus has brought me from and where He continues to restore me. I hope to be able to tell my testimony of redemption because of it.
Yay for tattoos that glorify Jesus!
Do you struggle like I do with pain? Have you experienced so much pain in your life you're not sure you can take one ounce of it? I understand. I've been there. I want to challenge you to embrace it and ask God what He is trying to teach you through it!
