Being on the race is a multifaceted journey. You get to serve in 11 different countries for 11 months with people you’ve never met. All the while the Lord is bringing up things about your character and identity that you didn’t know about and asking you to work on them. For me, my identity has been a huge topic the Lord keeps asking me to look at! I thought that I knew exactly who I was and was confident in that person. Well surprise, surprise I was greatly mistaken. You see, I grew up in an amazing, loving family with parents who wanted only the best for their children and the best was getting out of the ghetto and providing us with every opportunity imaginable. Because of that, I grew up in predominately white neighborhoods and schools. There was rarely anyone who looked like me. I was the “token black” girl…one (mixed girl) in a million (white faces).
Just a little background on my ethnicity: My father is Panamanian and my mother is Black, Mexican and Native American. At home we’re just Andersons. Nothing more, nothing less. It wasn’t until I was outside of my family bubble that I realized how different I really was. That reality only came when everyone else either, directly or indirectly, began telling me that I wasn’t like them. I didn’t seem to fit in anywhere. I was either not “black enough”, not “really Mexican” because I don’t speak Spanish, there were no other Panamanians near me, yet I’m not white. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a woe is me blog or an I hate white people blog. This is a blog about my realities of growing up. I love my friends, classmates, neighbors and acquaintances who weren’t like me. But I didn’t realize that I had an issue with how I viewed myself until I started the Race.
You see being with 42 people (you don’t know) and only having 2 other people who look like you (and can naturally relate to you by culture alone) is very hard. The first time one of my squadmates asked me if my “hair was real?” took me back to the 5th grade when kids used to pull my braids to see if I could feel it or if it was really mine. Or the time when another squadmate called me an “oreo” because I “act white” or I’m “not like other black people” brought me back to the 3rd grade when my teacher told me that I was “smart for a black girl”. Every unknowingly insensitive comment or remark about me from my squadmates caused me to go back to the insecure mixed girl growing up in an area where I didn’t fit in.
I found myself getting defensive, frustrated, annoyed or even mad at my squadmates for something that was deeply rooted in me from my past that I didn’t realize. I was very sensitive and took everything as negative whether it was meant that way or not. And honestly, I love my squad. They are amazing people. But the Lord was using them to bring up a deeply rooted issue that I had no idea was even a problem. During debrief in Boca Chica, Dominican Republic the women had a separate session from the men, and that’s when the Lord opened up the floodgates.
The session was about inner healing truths. We were given 10 truths about inner healing and how to achieve it. The underlining theme was that our present situation is rarely the true cause of our ongoing emotional pain and that we must identify the lie and replace it with the truth from the only one who is Truth, Jesus. After the lesson we did an activation activity to apply what we learned. We went into prayer separately and asked the Lord/ourselves four questions:
1. What emotion are you feeling right now?
2. What memory comes to mind?
3. What lie does it expose?
4. What truth replaces it?
I honestly didn’t think anything would come from it, but here’s a snippet of what the Lord showed me:
1. I’m frustrated and annoyed by everyone around me. Why? Because I don’t fit in. I’m not like them. All I see is differences in me and them.
2. Starting public school in the 3rd grade and dealing with racism for the first time. Being called a “dirty Mexican” or that I’m “pretty or smart for a black girl.” comparing myself to other girls and not looking like them and because of that boys didn’t want/like me.
3. I’m not good enough. Being black is whack and ugly. I need to be as “white” as possible in order to be accepted. White is right.
4. My identity is in Christ. He made me beautiful and in His imagine. I’m good enough just the way I am. My differences are what makes me beautiful. Black is beautiful! Ecclesiastes 3:11a- “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”
I was flabbergasted and on the verge of tears. I needed to process what the Lord just uprooted but time was up and we had to come back together to share. I didn’t want to share but I had what we call the holy spirit heartrate. My heart was beating so fast and I knew the Lord wanted me to do something uncomfortable in order to show me something great . But I was fighting with Him while others were sharing. I was so close to being disobedient to the Spirit but our awesome squad mentor wasn’t and waited long enough through the awkward silence for me to finally speak up. I honestly can’t remember much of what I said but I do remember feeling relief. I felt a huge weight off my shoulder and finally acknowledged the elephant in the room. The response I received was 10 times better than what I expected. It not only brought awareness, but change as well.
I don’t know if you can see it or not, but my God is a God of lovingkindness. He purposely brought me to a place of weakness that was so blatant that I couldn’t ignore. I had to address the pain and frustration. And as I did, He brought me to the root of the issue so I could acknowledge it and surrender it over to Him so He could give me complete healing. Being refined is never easy nor is it enjoyable. But it’s definitely worth it when the results bring you closer to Christ. I’m still working through my identity but the difference is I’m not doing it alone.
Is being of mixed race hard while on the Race? Yes! Would I like to see more people who look like me on the Race? Yes! Would I change anything to make myself more comfortable? No! You see God not only made me in His image, but He also made the other 42 people on my squad in His image as well. So when I look at them I may see differences between us, which makes each and every one of us unique, but I also see my Savior. He’s in their beautiful green eyes just as He’s in my gorgeous kinky hair.
“For you are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:26-28
Me embracing and educating my squadmates on my hair. Such a sweet moment for me 🙂 (And yes this is growth because I actually let them touch my hair! ;D)
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