The children tackled me with hugs and in that instant I knew I had been healed.
It was the first day we arrived in Ingane Yami (“My Child”), our ministry in Durban, South Africa. I had entered the month with a mix of emotions – excited, but full of dread. My expectations of the village were pretty out there. I pictured a desolate place with orphaned children running around in rags and desperately hungry. I was definitely wrong about that. But mostly I dreaded interacting with the children.
If you don’t know me well, you may think that’s a funny thing to say. Who doesn’t like being around children? Well, someone who is so insecure with her ability to relate or have fun with little kids. What did I have to offer them? I don’t easily turn on a switch and become silly and giggly. I’ve always been the more serious kid, the one reading books or engaging in conversations with adults. I played and had fun, but once I grew up, “fun” became defined by quieter things. I’m an introvert, so being loud and boisterous is not in my DNA. Mind you, I have bursts of craziness – just ask any of my closest friends. It’s just harder for me to get there.
So, you can see how insecurities rose up within me. Why would kids want to play with the super-serious girl with issues? Turns out, they don’t give a flip about any of that. From the get-go, those kids at Ingane Yami loved me for me. They called for me outside our house at 6 in the morning to come play. They wanted to be held, chased, and spun around in the air. My team, who knew my insecurities, said they had never seen me so joyful. I felt ALIVE. God showed me through them that I had nothing to worry about. There was nothing wrong with me. I could connect with children despite all my supposed areas of deficiency.
I left South Africa hopeful and fully alive.
Then we spent our fourth month at the El Shaddai orphanage in Swaziland and those same insecurities popped up. The orphanage hosts a lot of World Race teams, and there’s a system in place that assigns each racer with a child or teen. I had been assigned two 8-year-old boys. My first thought was “Okay, I got this. God must have a lot of faith in me. I was grateful for the time at Ingane Yami; otherwise, I don’t think I would’ve handled two kids very well.
Connecting to them proved a bit difficult in the beginning. I didn’t know how to keep them entertained. We had to spend nearly all day with them the first week and then only two hours a day after that. I quickly became overwhelmed. However, once I realized that I had put unattainable expectations on myself, relating to the boys became so much easier. Both of them were introverted like me, so they were content just sitting and reading with me or listening to music. I would pull them onto my lap or hold their hands during chapel or movie time. They always had a smile on their faces when I arrived for buddy time. It was magical and so hard to leave them.
I don’t know what these next months on the race will bring. I hope that I’ll be able to have more opportunities to connect with and pour into children. I have a sense that my calling in life will involve children. I desire to be a mother, both in the physical and spiritual sense. To me, that’s a sure sign of God’s redemptive healing. –
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