This may honestly be the hardest blog I think I may ever write because it’s so heavy.
There is only one thing that I continue to run from concerning my past, one thing that my flesh longs for, one thing the devil continues to taunt me with… it’s like he knows exactly when to come at me. He comes at me when all this is going on..
I’m homesick.
I want American food.
It’s pants or a skirt… should have brought long shorts.. ’cause it’s hot!
It’s just the beginning of month three, and it just hit me that I can’t go home for
8 more months…
I miss fall… It’s SO hot here!!
I’m living in very close quarters with 6 other people…
Me and my mom’s relationship is finally being restored,
and I’m not even home to reap the fruit.
I have nothing back at home… I sold it all.
What the heck am I gonna do when I get home?
I seriously don’t even know why I’m looking that far ahead!
I knew this trip was going to be hard. I knew that it was going to break me, but never in a million years did I think it would break me like this. All the things above literally hit me all in one week, and then the Bama/LSU game was on. Boy, did that strike a nerve! I then did something I knew I would regret. I opened up my old email account… and there it was, like a ton of bricks– my blast from the past. It was an email that I know I should have never opened. What’s worse? Not only did I open it, but I replied. Now I am checking my email every second I can to see if she responded. It has become such a distraction.
That email has taken all the progress from the first two months and killed it. It made me want to throw in the towel and go back home to the comfortable life that I know I could have with her. It made me want to get on a plane, call her, and tell her that I was coming home so that I could go to her house and tell her how much I loved her and how I wanted nothing more than to grow old with her. Then there is the part of me that will have to say that I will feel guilty every time we are intimate with one another and that I will begin to resent her because the progress me and my mother have made will be crushed. I will also resent her because the relationship I am building with God will no longer be because, for me, I know I can’t have both. I can’t live the life He has planned for me and be with her at the same time.
I don’t want to get to heaven, have God look at me, put His arm around me and say, “Candace you did good, but look at what you could have had, look at what you could have done.” No! I want to get to heaven, have God hug me and let me know I did EVERYTHING He called me to do! I want nothing more than to have an amazing relationship with my amazing Heavenly Father. I want nothing more than to be so content with His love that I want nothing more. I want to get to heaven and have God look at me and say, “Candace, you did such an amazing job!” I want my testimony to touch a million people’s lives and expand the kingdom for Christ’s glory! And, if I’m being completely honest, going back to my old life will never bring a change to anyone’s life except mine. That will never glorify God. It will never make me completely happy because I know something will always be missing in my life.
