We’ll lets see…
Being home has been more than strange, and awkward.
People ask, “How was your year/trip/journey?” All I can think normally, is umm you got a few days? Then I awkwardly smile and say, “It was great,” with a lack of anything other than that to say. Then it gets strange because people think I’m being all quiet and shy. People keep asking questions that have way more than one answer. I don’t ever know how to answer some of the questions, then I feel crazy because I can’t answer them!
It’s been more than complicated and difficult.
The next question following “How was your year?” Is “What is your next step, where are you off to next?” Honestly, I have no earthly idea what’s next. I do know I have dreams and goals, but it’s so complicated to put into words what I want to do. There is so much! I start back at O’charleys on the 1st of September. I can’t wait to serve again! I also hope to do something with the women’s ministry at my church. Other than that, I have no clue what else I want to do, or what the future involves. I can say I won’t chase money, or work a job that makes me miserable because the money is good. There is way more to life than money so don’t hate when I don’t want to take you up on your million dollar idea at how I can get ahead now that I’m back!
It’s been more than overwhelming, and frustrating.
I am a super high feeler, and a very high extrovert on the Myers Briggs scale. I could cry at almost anything, and I could talk to anyone before I left for the race. Now crowds scare the crap out of me and I haven’t cried for much since being home. It’s been awful because satan has gotten his ugly self in and has tried to steal my identity. Jesus and I have been working hard on making me see who I am. It’s frustrating to think I’m someone I know I’m not!
It’s been more than lonely, and depressing.
I’ve decided I need to be single for at least another year. Because it’s something I need to do. I’m not putting God in a box and telling him he can’t bring the man I’m going to marry in my life until I’m ready. Instead I’m telling God that in this season of loneliness, I want him to be my man, I want him to walk through this with me. I want him to get me through this. I want to be so in love with him I don’t even know what loneliness is. It’s going to be a tough season, but it is going to be extremely helpful in making me a godly woman in the long run. I’ll take a while off from dating and walk through a season of being lonely if it will help woman overcome!
I’ve spent 11 months with some awesome people, and 7 months with some of the most incredible women I’ve ever known! I just squeezed years of growth and change into 11 months. I’ve been radically changed and I’m not who I was when I left the race. I’m not the only person who has changed. My church isn’t the same, my friends aren’t the same, my family isn’t the same… Nothing is the same, and if it is the same, I’ve changed so much it’s not what I want to be a part of anymore. I feel like I don’t fit in and people don’t get me, and that’s some depressing crap there!
It’s been harder than leaving for the race in the first place!
I never want to talk about my race and maybe it’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, but it’s more like I think people actually don’t care.
I don’t want to talk about my race because my race wasn’t about me helping people all over the world. I know such a shock I wasn’t this great missionary who changes life’s and healed people and all that other missionary stuff. It was about God helping break me and rebuild me so that I could do what I’m called to do.
People have asked me what my most memorable moment is on the race. What was the best thing I witnessed? I don’t know how to answer that. Because it wasn’t some great moment when God used me to heal a blind lady, or a man who couldn’t walk. The best thing I saw wasn’t when we fed the little kids who may not have eaten in a week.
For me my most memorable moment was when I was in the shower in Costa Rica and I, for the last and final time laid my relationship with my ex truly, 100% down to The Lord and knew he took it and it wasn’t mine to carry anymore.
I can’t even begin to describe the weight that was lifted that night! I can’t begin to describe the breath of air I took. The healing that took place in that one moment of true and unconditional love!
The most beautiful thing I saw was The Lord’s heart, when he held me in that moment of full surrender, and told me how proud he was of me for all I had sacrificed in his name. It was when I took a step back and saw myself in a new light of freedom!
How do I go about being that real with people? How do I tell people the race wasn’t what they think it was? How do I explain that I’m so radically changed? How do I communicate with people who only ask because “what else do you say to someone who’s just been around the world?!”
Most people want a superficial Christian response. That’s not me and I can’t give one.
My non Christian friends and family aren’t really interested in what God did in my life, and that’s about all my trip consisted of… A whole lot of God, and a lot of me surrendering, letting go and letting God do his thing. So I could be who I was meant to be all along.
I was broke, a way many people won’t allow in a lifetime, but I was put back together so beautifully. I was broken of sexual sin, lust, shame, embarrassment, passivity, and apathy. I was put back together with love, dignity, beauty, trust, contentment, and purity!
God took all of my ugly and the sweetest whispers of beauty over me. He restored me!
I’m still struggling with some things now, but I know they will one day be under me like all the other things are. Because I serve a faithful God who has not let me down once so far!
I know I’ll never be a perfect Christian and I know I’ll piss many people off with my boldness and courage. I also know that I’m going to be used to break many chains because of my boldness and courage.
God gave me passion, and life again!
