Working on my posture is easy because I care what you think. I care what you think, and it’s an incredibly difficult thing. I read the words of someone who writes far better than I, and I wonder why your eyes would choose to read my words. I wonder why my pride would ask you to. I hold onto thinking that I am nothing. I’m insecure and I call it humility. Will you look past my flaw and see a better thing? That is all I want. Look instead and see a make-believe thing.
So I am drawn to wonder,
the ins and outs of pride.
Of comparison.
Of humility.
Of false humility.
But really all I want is to know how you see me.
I wonder why it is I care what you think?
Why I do good for you to see
For the sake of your approval
and not for my Lord.
I say it’s because I care about you.
It’s not.
It’s because I’m probably a little too obsessed with me.
I can’t follow a path that I do not fully know. But I travel still. Somehow. Following instead where you lead. But a better road is ahead. It’s the harder one to travel, but soon I will find the way. I will come to a land that is more magnificent than any I have seen.
A land where I can live free from comparison
free from my selfishness
free from my pride
a place where I can see that the definition of humility is never really seen.
Because the humble do not desire to be seen.
They just are.
And yet I am, even in my most humble of self, extremely loud. Maybe even without words. Because the desire to be seen by you still pulsates through me. And I never know how to stop comparing myself because I’m still sad that you can look at me without ever really seeing who I am.
But the Lord is different.
He looks straight into my heart and is pleased.
Why is it again that I think your love will taste good to me?
