Last night I found myself awake at 2 AM.
Reading “On The Road” and listening to AA Bondy.
Thinking about how I’m in China.
Thinking about things I want to control
how scared I am of the unknown.
And so I’ve read 6 books this week.
Hundreds upon hundreds of pages.
Trying to forget my reality.
Acting like I can be somebody else.
So I don’t have to be me.
Maybe coveting.
Or maybe just fear.
And then I remembered this one day last year,
I was sitting on the sun blazed heat of a sand volleyball court.
Early and eager, as always.
My blonde hair fell to my waist as I stretched to my left,
and the tightness was nothing less than painful.
And I started laughing
because I thought I heard God say “Get used to it,”
Obviously, on that sunny day in July The Lord knew.
He knew I didn’t like to be uncomfortable,
and was preparing me for something.
Now, over a year later
I get it.
I lack control.
I want to pass out when I hear conflict.
I want to run away from community.
I don’t have all the right words.
I’m tired of feedback.
I'm so familiar with uncomfortable.
I wish I was better at understanding how I’m feeling
or what I’m thinking.
I want my thoughts to be clear.
I want you to understand that I'm not comfortable
but for some reason I'm at ease,
because I can't control what is happening
just the way I respond.
So I’m in bed at 2 AM reading the words of a book,
and not thinking about one of them.
Instead I'm thinking about my heart.
I wonder If I’m any different than I was 10 months ago.
Even in all this stretching
and all of this discomfort
have I changed?
But then I remember all those times…
the times when I had to do things that I could never do
the times I had to face all of those issues that I’m afraid of
the times I couldn’t run away
and I had to do something that was way harder than I can handle.
And it makes me think that maybe things are different.
Because the Lord is powerful
And He loves me enough to let me be uncomfortable
So that I can learn and grow.
I’m thankful that He wanted me to be uncomfortable.
And for nights that I stay up
thinking about things that do and don't matter
and how I can enjoy what happens along the way
and not just what happens when I get to the end.
