I have about 5 days left in this month before I head to Cambodia and The Lord has rocked my world. And the reason it has taken me so long to blog is for exactly that reason–I was trying to deal and process it all.
The race is hard. The race sucks sometimes. The race is the best and the worst thing–all at the same time. And there are moments where I want my family, my church, my friends, my boyfriend and to take a hot shower and sleep in my bed. But the race has stripped me of all of that. And in the midst of it The Lord has taught me so much.
That HE is the only thing I truly need. That I need HIM every single day. Because on the race you can’t cover it up by watching tv or by driving home to talk to your Momma or call up one of your best friends and tell her to come over. No. You have to deal with it; you have to take it to Jesus and deal. Whatever the “it” is for that week. Maybe it’s the constant changing of plans, the one more bit of rice and noodles you have to eat, the 28th ant you’ve killed in the ten minutes you’ve been awake, or the bigger stuff, the humbling yourself for hours to let your teammate stay up to 3am picking the lice out of your hair; The stuff you don’t want to deal with from your past, whatever it is.
And it’s in these moments where you have no where else to turn but Jesus–because He is the only One who you have. He is the only one who can hear your cry and comfort you. He is the only one you can find peace and rest in.
And it’s here that I thank Jesus for the hard moments. The moments that make me wonder why in the world I was called to do this. It’s these moments that make me realize even more just how much my savior desires my full attention, my full heart, my full reliance.
It’s because of these moments that I go to ministry with a full heart. Because I’m so dependent on Jesus that there can be nothing but His love and energy running through me. Overflowing to the children I teach, to the people I see at church, the families my team and I pray for. There is no other way I could do it than without Him being inside of me, filling me up every morning only to have His love poured out of me to the people I’m so blessed to meet and work with.
And so I’m done giving him only half of me; what I’ve been giving Him for the past 23 years. I want Him to have it all. I want Him to invade every part of my life. I want to wake up every morning and feel His presence because it is there every single day. The question is am I willing to let Him in and allow myself to surrender.
This is what brokenness looks like. And sometimes it sucks and sometimes I just wanna call it quits but this is when He can shape me as the potter and me as the clay. And so this brokenness thing may suck and hurt but He isn’t done with me yet and I’m ready for it.
