Last week, i found myself on my knees crying into my hands. It was the night of Good Friday.
My squad and i were having worship. I asked the Holy Spirit to remind me what Easter really meant.
After a while, a really pressing, deep sinking weighed on my chest.
My lungs felt heavy and i started weeping harder than i have in a while.
it felt like exactly like the first time i had truly understood Jesus and accepted Him into my life, clinging onto Him with the most gratitude in my life.
i was sure it was the holy spirit, because while i was sobbing i also started giggling.
It was the funniest & most strange feeling of gratitude and joy amidst sorrow and deep grief.
That night God revealed to me in a simple way what it meant to be in a posture and position of truly Receving Him for all that He is.
I saw it in a simple graph that looked like this.
I—————————————I——————————————-I
sorrow, pain, grief, weight. true receival joy, gratitude, and ease.
God showed me that fully receiving Him wasn’t one side or the other, but exactly in the middle.
I’m able to understand God well through the analogies of gifts/presents, so for the sake of understanding and passing on what i know, we’ll use a gift analogy
😀
Let’s say Wendy gave me a really amazing gift that was really valuable and hard to get. We’ll say it’s teriyaki beef jerky from Dzuiks.(my favorite little beef jerky place in Texas..mmm)
Imagine if all i did was sob at Wendy’s feet knowing that it was such a hard journey for her to travel and find and pay for this beef jerky, and i felt so bad that all i did was continue saying sorry and not even look at the beef jerky because i didn’t feel worthy of this sign of love. (yes, beef jerky is a love language)
Well for one, Wendy probably didn’t give this gift to me so i could be sad. In fact, she is probably sad that I’m not taking and appreciating it. Maybe she’s starting to wait for me so long that she just gets hungry and starts snacking on it herself… wouldn’t blame her.
Okay.. now on the other side.
Imagine if all i did right when i saw wendy with a big paper bag of jerky was run up to her, grab the bag and run away screaming ! I was joyful and glad and thankful, right..?f I think she’d be happy, but a little bummed. I still didn’t reallyy appreciate how much work it was to get it all the way to me! Instead i took it in and .05 seconds and inhaled every last pepper.
So where is this with Jesus?
Right in the middle.
Friday night God showed me He’s the God of Holy Saturday.
He’s the combination of the agony of Friday to fully appreciate the joy of Sunday
When we understand the weight of God’s gift of life with Him, the effort and pain He went through just. to be closer to you and me, and EQUAL that with appreciating the ease He offers, the tears He wipes away, the life we have, we’re able to fully receive and enjoyyy the goodness of Him.
10 months ago i was introduced to a fraction of this topic in prayer. i found my journal from training camp in june when we were preparing to leave for the race. it said “if i don’t acknowledge I’m hurting, how would i know where to ask for healing?”
God is so cool!! He’s strong and soft, confident and humble, in the huge and in the tiny. He’d endless. He’s so vast. I think i understand and then it turns out i have an ounce, and then He gives more. He’s always given me exactly what i needed to the amount that i needed.
**ahh**
I just wanted to share these things that I’m being shown, i hope you all had a great easter weekend and can know that the celebration doesn’t have to end anytime soon 🙂
lots of love!!
cami ??
