“For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.”
– Ecclesiastes 3
This race has truly been a season of everything. Of building up and tearing down. Laughing and crying. Grieving and dancing. And it’s been hard. Really hard. But also so incredibly sweet.
However last week, I decided to make the really hard decision and come home on March 18.
Since September I have struggled with depression and questioning the Lord. Going to Gainesville, Georgia for 3 months was one of the hardest things I’ve experienced. Once getting to Ecuador, I was so tired of feeling depressed and constantly drained from my confusion and anger at God that I masked it as long as I could. And it was easy to because of all the happy moments. I didn’t fully understand until recently that I’ve still been struggling with depression since being in Ecuador. It has just looked a little different so it was hard to pin point it right away.
As I said, I’ve been questioning my relationship with the Lord for a very long time. And right now, I can’t continue to grow my relationship with Him while on the Race. Although my life on the Race may have seemed really amazing – and a lot of it has been – I’ve seen more of the Lord working in my personal life while being at home than I have while being on the Race. This season has been so much more draining than fulfilling. And while I still want to share Jesus’s love with everyone, I simply can’t pour out what I don’t have since it’s so hard to even believe His love for myself. I want to continue to press into the Lord but I need to do it at home on my own terms and own time. I feel like my relationship with Him is on a time schedule on the Race. And if that’s the case, how am I ever supposed to grow my relationship if I’m constantly trying to jump from one feeling to the next?
The Lord has been at the heart of this decision the whole time. It’s been incredibly hard for me to make it since I truly believe He called me on the Race, but I also truly believe He’s calling me to leave. At this point in time, I’m just mentally not able to continue the Race. Going home, I will seek the help I need and start my healing process. I need to break the chains I’ve been holding onto for so long- since even before the Race.
But don’t get me wrong, Ecuador has really been full of amazing moments. We were able to work with victims of sex trafficking for a month and then spent another few weeks doing manual labor at a Christian camp! And while those ministries are very different, they are both so good. And I learned so much. My squad is full of some of the most amazing people I’ve ever met. It breaks my heart to leave them. But I know that even when I’m back home in Colorado, they will continue to be a life giving community who I’ll love forever.
I want to thank you all endlessly for the support you have showed me. Whether through prayer or donation, it has meant the absolute world. Fundraising has also been one of the most prominent ways I’ve seen the Lord. He has been so faithful to me in that. I really do believe I’ve grown while being on the Race. Ive come to be so much more than the person I was when I first went on the Race.
And I’m also sorry to all of you for only just now mentioning the pain I’ve experienced. I have felt a lot of shame in this, since I was on a missions trip supposed to be living my best life and growing so deep with the Lord. But that just hasn’t been the case. I hope you all can understand me in this and not view me as quitting. If I was a “quitter” I would’ve left a long long time ago.
And if not all of you understand, that’s ok. Please ask questions! It’s hard to get it when you haven’t lived through it. At the end of the day, I firmly believe the Lord is calling me home. And I know that this is what’s best for me. This is now my season of time to heal and to embrace more of what the Lord has for me. And what’s great is that He’ll still be with me whether I’m in Ecuador or in Colorado! Because we serve a good God. It takes a lot out of me to say it. But ya know, the more you say it, the more you begin to believe it’s true.
I love you all so dearly. And as I said, please don’t hesitate to reach out if you have any confusion in this. Thank you thank you for helping send me on the Race and sticking with me through it all. It never goes unnoticed.
Email: [email protected]
With all the love in the world,
Camille <3
