Cameron you need to apologize.
God I really don’t want to. I’m fine, I’m not in the wrong, it’s not a heart issue, and there is nothing wrong I don’t need to apologize.
You need to. Cameron you need to apologize.
Ugggh fine. I hope you know I really don’t want to.
I found myself wrestling with God last night about something I didn’t think was necessary. I didn’t want to apologize to a friend; I didn’t think I was in the wrong. I really didn’t think that there was anything wrong with my heart. Maybe I felt a little distant from God like there was something blocking me from Him but there was nothing wrong, I didn’t have anything I needed to face. I mean I’ve felt jealous before plenty of times. I’ve felt inadequate because I try to compare myself plenty of times. But never have I felt the need to ask for forgiveness. I mean really its fine, whatever, it’s just an emotion that will pass.
But its not. Jealousy is something that I have always struggled with and it stems from me not feeling like I am good enough, that I don’t match up to the people around me.
Let me be honest with you. I’m scared. I’m scared of failure. I’m scared of not living up to expectations. I’m scared that I will let God down. I’m scared I will let my squad leaders down. I’m scared I will let my squad down. I’m scared I will let my team down. I'm scared I won't be the best team leader. I’m scared I will let my friends down. I’m scared I will let my family down. I’m scared I won’t live up to some big blogging expectation or World Race stories people have. I’m scared that there is some big expectation for me to change radically and I won’t live up to it.
As a daunting task list looms over me, I feel like I have to be perfect. I have to do this, I need to do that, I should be doing this, and I should definitely be doing exactly what that person is doing because they seem to be doing this whole Race thing right. I have to be the perfect leader, the perfect friend, the perfect daughter, the perfect writer, and the perfect sister. I feel like I have to reach some high expectation. I have to prove myself to God and everyone else. That there are marks for the good things I do and marks for the things I don’t do. That if I don’t get something done like text someone to encourage them, if I don’t talk to everyone, that if I don’t spend time with God one day, if I don’t read my Bible, if I don’t really pray as long as I think I should that I have failed. I feel like I have let God down. And I feel like I have let the expectation of being the perfect Christian woman that I think people have of me down. I've failed because I haven’t done what he wanted me to do that day; that I haven’t reached some goal for that day. UHHH I’M SCARED OF FAILING!
In my head I know that God just wants me as I am. I don’t have to do anything. That I can’t fail. That there are no tally marks. All I have to do is love- love Him and love others. But gosh if only in my heart I can truly believe it. That I can also believe what people tell me about myself is true. That it’s not some potential Cameron they see in the future that it’s what I am right now. That I am an encourager, I am a ray of sunshine, and I am an example of a strong Christian woman. I want to truly believe that those characteristics describe me now. I want to stop telling myself that there is more for me to fix. To stop thinking that I should strive to be those things because they don't describe me yet but they will. I want to stop thinking I have to keep trying and reaching. I want to know and believe that I don’t have to keep pushing for something because that is who I already am now. Man I want to believe it.
Gosh to know it BUT to truly believe it. I want that and I want it bad.
So guys. I’m weak. I may seem strong but my strength, words, and love seriously only come from the Lord because ha I really can’t do it. I am weak. I am a messy, sinning, flesh that can’t do anything without my God. May I know that it’s okay to feel weak it’s okay to fail because His spirit is strong in me. May I truly believe that everything is from Him. That nothing I do or say is because I am mighty. And if I do, if I try to be strong with my own strength or try to give credit to myself that I will know its for nothing- its for darkness and not light. Papa may I not take credit for anything you do in my life or the words you give me to say because all glory and power are yours Father all glory and power are yours.
I know God is working. I know he is moving and molding my heart because if I had chosen not to apologize last night. If I had chosen to be selfish and prideful and ignore my Papa then my heart would go back to being harden again, my heart would begin to close off to what He is doing. Instead Papa fought for me and pushed me and because I listened I was able to realize my heart issue. I was able to realize that I’m not okay, that I’m afraid to fail, that I have too many unnecessary expectations of myself, and that in my head I know these things are not true but I need to truly believe in my heart. Clearly, God is working and He is refining my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul may I continue to push, move, break for God more and more every day.
This is me and this is my messy not perfect journey-
Cam
