For the longest time since I’ve been home it felt like I couldn’t express what I was feeling, and to be honest sometimes I still don’t think I can but it’s getting easier. It’s been surprisingly difficult for me to adjust being back in the States. I mean how do you go from spending 1 month in a different country for 11 months, to being in 1 country for an extended amount of time? And why is America SO distracted and consumed with material things? And why does everything revolve around money? Why do the things that further the kingdom not allow for someone to support themselves? And how can I simply just keep moving along with a job, living with my family, driving my car, wearing nice clothes when I know the hurt, pain, suffering, and need of the world? And why in the WORLD would He put people in my life for 11 intense months just to break us up!? I mean come on, you get to this point where these people are your family they become the closest people in your life and now they’re dispersed throughout the states and world. And now I find myself back home potentially having to move into a one-bedroom apartment by myself. I mean seriously? That’s like some kind of mean joke or something.
I hated the World Race for bringing people in my life that I would eventually have to say good bye to, for sending me to so many different countries to see all the pain and hurt ultimately to be brought back to luxury, for putting these passions in my heart to be brought back to the states to be confused with what to do next, for making my life so different that I feel uncomfortable anywhere I go. I was mad, frustrated, confused and blamed God.
In the midst of my funk I found God saying to trust Him, that He loves me. It was still so hard to get past my frustration. But when I started to put my pride and selfishness aside I realized that God did not do anything to me, and it’s not the World Race’s fault either. Instead, it was the fact that God changed me more than I thought and the World Race was the avenue for the growth and change to happen. So now when I look around at all the blessings I have I can be thankful for them, but ultimately I can pray for the people who are in poverty in the villages I visited or the people on the streets that I had conversations with. Or when I think about orphans I can now put names to those thoughts and prayers (Santos, Prim, Abraham, Jason, etc.). Or when I think about kids needing food I remember the beautiful faces of the children in Swazi and South Africa. Or when I think of baby penguin I can always remember Thandeka. Or when I think of spiritual poverty and William comes to mind I can pray for my dear old friend who looks to the bottle instead of Jesus but remember the times we prayed and talked about Jesus. Or when I think about sex-trafficking I can rejoice with Breaking Chains ministry and remember my friends I met throughout the journey. Or when I feel like I’m not doing anything to further the kingdom I know I can pray for my contacts all around the world who are on the field in the trenches and need support and love. Or when I get frustrated that I’m not with my squad I can remember that we are suppose to be the light of the WORLD, not just one place. And if we were suppose to be together all the time it’d be one bright light that could only reach so far.
In the midst of it all, I’m thankful for the World Race. I’m thankful for the memories I have because now I know what poverty looks like in both the physical and spiritual sense. I know how real sex-trafficking is. I know what it’s like for kids not to have family or have food. I know that man cannot live off of bread alone. I know how important it is for community. I know what it’s like to be a disciple- to pick up and leave everything. I know how real the spiritual realm is. I know now what to pray, how to pray, and who to pray for. But I’m most thankful for the uncomfortableness that I will always feel. Because that reminds me that my home isn’t in the States, my home isn’t in the 11 countries that became my home, my home isn’t with a group of people, but my home that I now have a greater appreciation and longing for is Heaven. Oh what a joyous day it will be to be reunited with the ones I’ve met and the one’s I love in perfect peace and harmony in Heaven.
So when you ask me how I am, I’m a whole lot of mess of emotions, thoughts, memories, and feelings but what I learned on the Race is that, that’s okay. It’s okay not to have it all together or have a plan for my future. It’s okay to be a mess and really that’s where God wants me because when I am weak He is strong and when I don’t have it all together He does. And when you ask me how my year was and I can’t find anything else to say in a short answer other than it was “incredible” please know that it was more than that- it was life changing and it’s hard to explain a life changing year in a few short minutes.
Some days are easier than others and some days are harder than others but in all days I will choose to trust the Lord.
**I have started a new blog site so if you want to keep up with me and what God is doing in my life or maybe get some encouragement feel free to subscribe to my new blog: www.vesselofloveblog.blogspot.com.
With all my love,
Cam
