i never knew spiritual attack like i experienced once i committed to a
mission trip fighting human trafficking. or at least i never recognized it as
such. since high school, my appearance and weight have been a huge source of
struggle in my mind, and they off-and-on steal my focus from other, more important
matters. lies that i believe like “you’re not pretty enough, too fat, not
good enough, not worthy, etc” cloud my vision and keep my eyes fixated on myself and striving to make myself better. this past autumn, i reached a
pivotal point when the disordered eating patterns i thought i’d long done away
with resurfaced, and i chose once again to believe the lies that losing weight would make
me happy, make me worthy. my focus again stolen from me when i ought to have
been praying and preparing to come overseas, i chose of my own accord to
believe lies and walk in them, instead of trusting in who God says i am and
walking in that identity.
healing began through prayer and accountability, and spending time with the
Lord so he could reshape my way of thinking and to begin eating and exercising
healthily.
of theme of the work i would be doing: identity and worth.
two words that the Lord wanted me to bring to those affected by sex
trafficking.
wrap around.
month one of this trip was spent on a limited food budget in Cambodia, a country whose
cuisine leaves much to be desired. and so in effort to save spending money as
well as calories, i found it easy to forego meals and to still “keep it
together.” i told myself it was a financial decision, and that i could easily
starve myself and still worship Jesus, being fully committed to what He brought
me across oceans to do. in hindsight, i relate this to a person saying “my
boyfriend and i can sleep together but also pray and worship together. no harm,
no foul.” it is playing with fire: asking God to bless the good and ignore
the bad.
month two brought me to Thailand, where suddenly incredible entrees and
delightful desserts barely made a dent in my food budget and i found myself
going overboard and eating whatever my heart desired, exhibiting little
self-control. i then began again to question where my worth was found, fearing
that if i gained a pound or two that i may resort back to starvation. i even
told the Lord one morning that body image was one area of my life i felt i may never
be ready to surrender, that controlling food and my body was far too important. and yet at the same time, i spent my nights at the
bars speaking to girls who also have issues with identity and worth. in their
minds they know they are beautiful, but their worth is found in whether or not
a customer will choose them for the night. and if they look and act just right,
perhaps he will take them out of Thailand and love and care for them forever. he
will save her. i got to speak Truth to these women about who they truly are,
what they deserve, and how loved they are. and yet as i spoke these words, i
knew that i didn’t fully believe them to be true of me.
and that’s when God hit me with my own hypocrisy: how can i claim to have
freedom when i still live and act as a slave? how can i have faith to move
mountains if i do not have faith to believe my own identity?
over myself about who God says i am – i am worthy of love; i possess wisdom; i am cleansed
from sin; i am beautiful; i am wholly and dearly loved; i have the mind of Christ… but even as
i wrote and declared these things, i struggled to believe them fully. so i
resolved not to leave the patio until i believed who i am. i began making lists of
truth and even writing out the lies, and after some time on the ground with mosquitoes and the sounds of nothing but my pen on paper, i found my mind beginning to finally put
my worth in Christ. to believe what He says. to own it. to see His hand in bringing me to that city at that time to meet those people and hear those words. so Thailand became to me “identity month.” and finally letting who HE IS define who i am.
