Burning bridges. That was the theme of our week of boot camp, er, training camp for ten days at AIM’s base in Gainesville, GA.
Not sure what to expect, I bought a new sleeping bag, packed as many t-shirts as I could fit, and headed down with Renee (September World Racer and the sister of a friend from college!) to Georgia. I quickly learned that not only am I
not keen on the outdoors, but I still have a lot to learn in regards to compassion, sin, and God’s Word.
The past few months have been a time of questioning and trying to understand WHY I believe what I believe, and this past week brought up a lot of questions in my relationship with the Lord. But by the grace of God, I have learned that my questioning only deepens my faith. I may not ever fully comprehend the Bible, or the way God moves in our lives, or the work and manifestations of the Holy Spirit. To be honest, I can say I surely will not ever fully understand. But despite all knowledge, and despite all arrows directed at my heart that attempt to sway me in other directions, I cannot deny the faith in my heart that God is real, that He is active, and that He has mighty things in store not only over the course of the next year, but throughout my lifetime!
Which brings me back to the theme of burning bridges. As I sat alone one day for three hours, looking at a lake and a mountain with only my Bible, my journal, and my synthetic towel to keep me warm, I realized that I have a lot of anger in me. Instead of actually
being angry, I have kept it inside. And you know, honestly, sometimes, I even get mad at God. I wept as I felt guilt over this fact, but the quiet, calm voice of the Lord told me that it is okay to question Him, to be frustrated because I don’t understand Him, and even to be angry with Him. What makes a relationship more real and authentic than conflict? I even had to punch and kick a nearby tree for a while, but I got it out and was real for the first time in a long time.
That day at the lake, and the following evening by the bonfire, I vowed to lay down my burden of anger and criticism that had been a barrier to experiencing the Lord fully. I vowed to be real with my emotions and to voice the fears and frustrations I so often keep silent. I also lay down the dreams and plans that I have for my own life. I have no idea what the next year will bring, or where I will go from there. My honest desire is to return to working in theatre in New York, but even at this point, I feel the Lord calling me to something greater. Whether it is serving His children in New York City, or serving them in Swaziland, my life is not to be wasted, and He WILL do mighty things in and through me!
The poor will eat and be satisfied; they who seek the Lord will praise him may your hearts live forever! Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn –
for He has done it.
-Psalm 22: 26, 30-31
