I am at the end of myself. I am at the point of being so in awe of this God I serve, and so discontent with the life I had made for myself in these short 25 years. Coming on the World Race was one big question; I had no idea what to expect, what I would see in the world, what role I could play in God’s kingdom. How could God possibly use me? I know He has blessed me and given me characteristics and talents to glorify Him, but how do I use those gifts and what does that look like?
Our first day at Four Square orphanage in Banan was a prayerful day. We spent time going over our schedule for the next few weeks, planning what activities and lessons we could do with the children, and praying about what God’s heart is for these children. I cried out to God that I had no idea what I was doing. I need God’s hand and His strength to work in this place, with these children. Compared to my other teammates who have been teachers, worked in orphanages, or just have a knack for relating to children, what could I possibly offer? My teammates are outside playing with them while I’m inside trying to wrap my head around what it looks like to talk with children who have no basic understanding of English and trying to force myself to come up with creative activities. Lord, I need Your hand in this. I want them to know they are truly and dearly loved by You, their Father. How do I do that? I cannot rely on my own intellect, my own logic or anything I once knew to be true. I am at the end of myself.
Fast forward to a few hours later, and three girls and I are running around tickling each other, chasing each other, and laughing uncontrollably. At one point I wound up laying on the floor with about five boys and girls holding and tickling my feet, and I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe but I have no way to escape their little hands. As I lay there, I think, this is it. This is the moment. This is the beauty of God’s love, His heart for His children.
And the Lord continues to romance me with moments such as these. Long walks along the dirt road, with four orphans running to catch up, some barefoot and sprinting through mud puddles just to spend time with us. Even in the hot sun with sweaty palms, they refuse to let go of our hands. Offering their bracelets for us to wear and pretty flowers and greenery from the side of the road. Offering their hearts. We walk together and teach each other songs. They buy ice cream from the cart that drives by, and offer it to us, refusing to take any for themselves.
The greenest of green rice fields, majestic mountains, laughter, shade, learning Khmer, learning English, metallic-colored cicadas, children’s prayers in Khmer, songs, wading through streams, and the wonder in their eyes. Language ceases to be a barrier in the ways of love. I am at the end of myself.
I will never lose faith
I will never lose heart
For you have restored my trust
And I know you’re afraid
I’m as scared as you are
But willing to be brave
Brave enough for love
