The Philippines broke me.
Back in September we were first told that the Philippines would be added to our list of countries on the World Race. How exciting! Who wouldn’t want to go to the Philippines?
However, upon exiting Cambodia and preparing to fly to the Philippines to begin a new month of ministry, something wasn’t sitting well with me. What happened? Where was the excitement? I lost my joy. Then, after arriving in Manila, we were told there would be some changes in locations of our teams for the month. My team, originally scheduled to stay in Manila and partner with Jeff Long of Faith Academy would now switch places with Team LESS and head to Dumaguete City to partner with International Care Ministries. Not only would we not be in the bustling, dirty city of Manila, we would add three members of Team Beloved One to our seven:eleven family. Contrary to the reactions of many of my teammates, I suddenly felt a glimpse of that excitement I had been lacking. This must be it, I reasoned. This must be the ministry God had originally planned for me. God is going to do amazing things this month, and He had to change some things around and change our expectations in order for that to happen.
But after arrival in Dumaguete, nothing had changed. I still lacked joy. I still lacked excitement. There were times of peace, there were times of laughter and happiness, but no motivation. I felt that getting up and out the door to go to our ministry sites was a chore. Like going to work at a job I didn’t care for. You do it because you know you have to. Once in the midst of ministry I was fine: I saw God move in amazing ways, I was stretched spiritually, emotionally, and physically. So what was it that caused me to prefer to lay in my bed all day and read, instead of doing the work of the Creator to bring His love and hope to the people of the Philippines? Was I just lazy? Was I depressed? Why couldn’t I feel that excitement and that desire for these people?
The Philippines broke me. I am broken. Not only me personally, but since being in the Philippines, I have broken or lost at least a dozen important things (that’s normal for the World Race, right?).
I lost my flash drive. Which means I also lost my completed World Race scholarship application, along with several important emails, pictures, and phone numbers. I lost the video files needed to create Pam’s virtual tour of our home in Cambodia. I lost (then later found) the English translation of an interview in Thai that I needed for a video project. I lost encouraging notes given to me by friends. At the house we are staying this month, I broke a mug. I broke the coffee pot as well. I lost several almost-completed blogs because of a keystroke error, and had to start back at the very beginning. I lost a family member.
Was this the key to my lack of motivation, my lack of desire? Were these two things even related? I still don’t even know. But I needed something more. Something to get me out of this.
Prayer. Lots of it. This month prayer has been the key lesson the Lord is teaching me. To trust it. To do it. What it means. To pray with others. To pray alone. Continually…
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,
for whose sake I have lost all things.
Philippians 3:7-8
Then we stumble away through dawn’s blinding sunbeams.
Barely knowing right from right
nor left from wrong.
But as long as we can hear that little blue bird
There’ll be a song
as we stumble along.
As we stumble,
bumble,
fumble,
plumble,
As we stumble along.
