This is very vulnerable but it has come up a lot lately so I feel like the Lord wants me to share it with you, rather than keep it to the pillow talk with Him.
I am the fat one.
In order for that to make sense, let me take you back to Launch (August). The day after our parents left us, I had to redo my fitness hike (because of failing it at Training Camp in June). I “trained” in between training camp and launch so I was prepared and passed. I was so proud of myself, and my team (Overflow) was too. They knew how hard I worked to be able to pass it this time around. But I felt like my leadership didn’t notice and that was definitely a little bit of a set back. I let the enemy tell me that I am fat. That no one cares because I should have just passed it the first time. I allowed the enemy to tell me that no matter how much I worked on my physical health, it’ll always remain unnoticed.
Myself and the couple others from the squad, were invited to have coffee with one of our leaders. I thought it was going to be a celebration – thats what I needed it to be. But instead I sat in front of a Carmel Frappe from Starbucks in the hotel lobby, holding back all sorts of emotions. Celebration was the last thing I got during that meeting. It was quite the opposite. I, instead of being encouraged in the work I was doing, was told that I needed to eat better and maybe incorporate some exercising into my everyday lifestyle.
With all good intentions, I’m sure. And not wrong, I do see the importance of eating well and exercising. But what are you suppose to do when you are doing both of those things, and then some more, but its not reflecting on your physical appearance? I spent the six weeks between training camp and launch doing just that. And when I didn’t know why anything was working, I cried a few too many tears and screamed a few too many frustrations with my family. I simply didn’t know what else to do, the weight didn’t want to come off.
So, I sat there, staring at the coffee that was given to me. And not only was the enemy in my head but now was sitting right there behind my coffee speaking out loud.
I asked my parents to turn around, don’t make me stay. I’m not competent enough for this. Accepting the fact that they weren’t going to come get me, I bottled up all those emotions and left them there in that hotel. I labeled myself as the fat girl on the squad and headed to South Africa.
Fast forward to now, sitting here in Thailand drinking a Iced Espresso Latte, from a coffee shop that is a little too fancy for a gal living out of a backpack. I can’t help but be in awe of how patient the Lord is with me. Over the weekend, I fasted for three days. I did a food fast, everything except water. As well as fasted from social media and talking. (I’ll post a blog about the entire fast in a few days)
My fast from food ended the second day in. God so gently showed me that I was choosing to not eat, in hopes that more weight would come off. He showed me that I wasn’t looking at my reflection from His eyes. He showed me that the hurt that I had hid in my heart. I correlated this hurt as food being the root of it. Food was becoming something that I despised.
And when He was speaking all of this to me, He so kindly showed me that bottle. The one I thought I left in the hotel. He gave me this sweet vision of Him taking it, and when He let go of the bottle it was gone. As if it hadn’t ever been there. It was a sweet reminder that all the enemy has is words, of which, only have power if we allow them to. And if you give something to God, you never have to pick it back up.
Failing that fitness hike in June changed my life. It was then that I noticed I wasn’t taking care of myself. However, I craved for someone to see me trying (other than my parents) and when I didn’t get that, I gave the enemy the time of day to tells me so many lies. And I clung to those lies, wholeheartedly. When I started to allow myself to believe something, other than the lies that were incapsulated in that bottle, I reminded myself that I am the fat girl on the squad.
I am thankful for a Father who is so kind with His words, always. And wants to be the first one to celebrate me. I walked 2 hours to the mall with Him. While I was standing in H&M, I felt the sudden urge to try on this specific shirt. It was a style that I use to fear ever putting on. “Put it on, love.”
The entire walk to the fitting room, I told myself not to do it. I was just going to feel even worst than before about myself. After dramatically putting this shirt on. I looked up and immediately smiled. He knew what I needed to put on in order to see it. And while I was standing there in a small fitting room surrounded by mirrors that show every angle, we danced – we celebrated.
I let go of the bottle in that fitting room. I am not fat. I am Calla.
Ask Him to show you the things that you have hidden in your heart. And do what you need to do to let go of them. Ask Him to celebrate with you. He wants to! Ask Him to speak. I promise you will find the Love that your human heart is seeking for.
Because They Haven’t Heard,
Calla Rae
