What is my purpose in life? Okay, so I know that my purpose in life is to give glory to the King of Kings and proclaim the powerful name of Christ to the ends of the earth. But, what part of the church body am I supposed to be? What specific mission does God have for my life that only I can fulfill? A specific mission that is tied directly to my strengths and my gifts i.e. it’s my identity. So who am I?
How does my identity relate to training camp? Training camp was the first time I had a glimpse into what living in community looks like. It was also the first time I really felt that there was nothing that I could contribute to my squad. How does math and science relate to building the kingdom of God? It doesn’t but the fundamental core I learned at college was problem solving which does relate. Early in training camp my squad was divided into teams and we were given “simple” problems to try to solve as a group. My first reaction was “Oh Yeah! I got this.” However that was also my downfall, the little pronoun “I”; “I got this” not “WE got this.” I took control of the “simple” problems and didn’t let my team help solve the problems; in the end we failed to complete all the problems. I thought that my strength was problem solving, but obviously I only made the situation worse. Okay, so if I can’t solve problems what else can I give to the squad. I really didn’t know; that’s when I was challenged by several squad trainers to try not to solve the individual “simple” problems but solve the problem of the team. How is the team going to solve this? I was to help the team draw conclusions and push them in the right direction; to address and solve the problem quickly and efficiently. Challenge accepted. Yet as the week went on I still felt like there was something more I could offer, but I didn’t know what it was, because I was starting to question who I am.
Over the past week the Lord has slowly been revealing to me who I really am. He is revealing to me all my strengths and my weaknesses, my gifts and my brokenness. I still don’t know exactly what more I can offer the squad because the key here is that the Lord is still revealing to me who I am even as I write this blog.
So who am I? First of all I am nothing without the Holy Spirit.
“’Abide in Me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself unless it abides in the vine, so neither can you unless you abide in Me. I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.’”
—John 15:4-5
To become who God wants me to be I must abide in Him. [I] must deny [myself], and take up [my] cross daily and follow [Him]. —Luke 9:23
“I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me.”
—Galatians 2:20
So who am I? Fundamentally I am a Son of God! But what are my strengths and my weaknesses, my gifts and my brokenness? Let’s start with my brokenness. There are two big lies that the Devil has made me believe: first, I have placed my worth in what the world says and second, I idolized my academics.
The first lie I believe was that my worth comes from what the world says about me not what God or His people say about me. Even though I grew up in a Christian family was constantly surrounded by Christian friends, I still believed the lie that I wasn’t worthy, I had no value in this world. I wanted the world to say that I was popular, but it never did. Therefore during middle school I turned inward and started to retreat to myself; I wasn’t as outgoing as I used to be. I had to act differently so that the world wouldn’t judge me. I became just another face in the crowd of the world. I didn’t always act differently to those around me; during my time at Rapid City Christian High School I fully trusted my friends and those around me. To those who knew me during high school, I WAS the school mascot, I WAS Comet Man. That side of me was my true self. Then college started and I found myself surrounded by the world again. And again I began to retreat to myself, but over this last year God sought me out and placed a purpose, a mission in my life that was so undeniable—the only choice I had was to pursue it. So I said “Yes Lord” to the World Race, which brought me to training camp where God showed me the areas in my life that are holding me back from fully abiding in Him. Of all the areas, placing my worth in the world was the hardest to surrender to the Lord. This lie hurts. It hurts because I have been surrounded by the presence of the Holy Spirit my whole life. It hurts because you all have poured so much positive encouragement into my life and I choose to pursue recognition from the world instead of my friends and family. Trust me, realizing that I believed this lie hurts me so much more than it hurts you all who are reading this. Please pray that I would daily die to myself and surrender this lie to the Lord of Lords.
The second lie I believed also stems from placing my worth in the world. I wanted the world to tell me I was popular, but they didn’t. So as I grew older I started to place more and more emphasis on my academics in hopes that the world would tell me they needed me, but this didn’t work either. I placed my academics on a pedestal and took pride in my academic excellence. But all that information I learned was useless at training camp. So why had I let this idol into my life? Complacency and wanting the world to say that it needs me. Learning has always been a strength of mine; I haven’t had to work extremely hard at understanding new material, it always came easy to me. At training camp, academic excellence meant nothing; all that I have strived for was nothing but dust in the wind. However, as I begin to experience 11 new cultures and ethnicities, I pray that I would use this gift of learning to better serve my squad and ultimately to better serve the Kingdom of God.
So after God brought me to my knees and revealed to me my brokenness, He began to build me back up. Throughout high school I identified as an INTJ personality, and for a while this made sense but lately the personality test told me I was an ESTJ. I struggled with accepting this for a while until this last week at training camp when I was broken and didn’t know what to believe about myself. Thankfully God knows more about me than I do. God revealed to me that I should have been an ESTJ far longer than a couple weeks. ESTJs are known for bringing communities together behind a common cause. So guess what the job of a school mascot is? Yep, you’re correct it’s the same as the definition for an ESTJ personality. But my personality goes deeper than that. All throughout high school and college I have felt like I am the only one than plans activities for everyone to attend; well that is just a part of who I am.
This last week I was encouraged to take a strength finding test by a great friend. The test told me that I am strategic, maximizer, analytical, learner and activator. To summarize my strengths, I am good at thinking and analyzing multiple scenarios and determining the best one (usually by a gut feeling that I can’t really explain, all I know is that it’s usually correct). I am good at making strengths stronger in both myself and others; I am also good at getting people to rally behind an idea and I am always learning.
So how am I going to use my strengths and gifts to benefit my squad and ultimately the kingdom of God? By first realizing that God gave them to me and I am just a steward of these gifts. However, I am commanded to use these gifts and strengths for the Kingdom of God. What this exactly looks like I don’t really know, but I know what my gifts and strengths are and I know how to use them for God’s glory.
I am sorry that this blog has taken a while to write, this was not an easy topic for me to write about, but a necessary topic. Discovering my identity has helped me to better understand my role in the Body of Christ. I am truly excited to see the Lord work on my heart and make me more like Him. I can’t wait to see what He has planned for me and my squad to accomplish when we deny ourselves and follow Him. Words cannot express how excited I am to serve the Lord with this great community of believers that He has surrounded me with. Amen.
As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies—in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.
—1 Peter 4:10-11
P.S. I have chosen not to write about the nitty-gritty details of training camp, but some of my squad mates have. Here are a couple you all should check out to better understand what training camp is:
- http://amberpharazyn.theworldrace.org/index.asp?filename=belated-lowdown-on-training-camp
- http://chelseabouknight.theworldrace.org/index.asp?filename=meet-my-squad
- http://courtneyhoward.theworldrace.org/index.asp?filename=saying-yes-to-god-training-camp
- http://willpatton.theworldrace.org/index.asp?filename=work-love-dance
Here are a couple pictures of my squad – V Squad!
