I recently found a some old blog posts I planned on posting but just never felt like it was the right time to do it. Life went on and I forgot all about them. But I just rediscovered some and oh boy did I learn and relearn some things about myself. I’ll share just a few here.
- 1). I saw the old Caleb vanishing.
This is a good thing! My faith has grown, my dependence and intimacy with God has skyrocketed, and Jesus has healed A LOT from then to now. I can do a whole long blog about the old Caleb who was so desperate to find love and acceptance that he left a trail of broken relationships everywhere he went. I can do a whole blog on the times I was in my car bawling and all I could say to God was, “I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Everything hurts too much.” But I wont. At least, not in this blog post.
- 2). I was A LOT more excited by the money God brought in then than I am now.
I know, I know, this sounds bad but hear me out.
I remember leaping for joy when I got my first notification that one of my friends donated to my blog. It was $50 from my friend Kelli. I partied. I danced. I’m pretty sure I was smiling for a week after that. I remember hitting my first $1,000 and made my family celebrate with me. We had a giant dinner, we prayed and thank God for this money, and we celebrated.
Now, here I am with over $7,000 donated towards my goal. Mind you, this is the most money I’ve ever seen in my life. But, where is the excitement? It’s been replaced with stress and worry. It’s been replaced with fear that God wont come through and I have to bring in the money myself. Yeah, my faith and dependence on God is stronger than ever before but there is this voice in me that says, “What if He doesn’t come through?” Is God still good when he doesn’t come through the way we want Him to? Yes. I believe this money will come in and I fighting for that heart I had in the beginning. We cannot place God’s identity within our circumstances (Hebrews 13:8). He called me on The Race and He will see me through it.
I don’t want to get in a place in my life where I’m used to seeing God move. I want to constantly be struck in awe and wonder. I don’t ever want to get used to seeing the burning bush.
- 3). If only I knew…
If only I knew what I was getting myself into. If I knew then everything I know now, I’d sign up for The Race sooner. I had no idea what I was doing when I signed up! Yeah, I knew it was for a year long missions trip but I was not prepared for God to come in and, in the best of ways, wreck my life.
I read a blog a while back ago from someone about to leave the field and come back home and something from it has stuck with me. In more or less words she said, “The World Race has ruined my life because I can no longer live for myself.” Amen. Even after Training Camp, I came back with my heart hurting for the homeless, the broken, the hungry, the imprisoned, the lost, and the church. Now all I can think of is, “How is what I’m doing right now going to echo in eternity?” Don’t get me wrong, I am a imperfect person and sometimes would rather watch Netflix than do anything else. But, am I living this thought out at all in my life? Yep. More on that later.
All in all, signing up for The Race has been the best decision I have ever made. I can’t wait to see what God will do while I’m on the field.
