I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. Not because of my personality but because of, well, my face. I never looked like the rest of my class. Let me back track, I was held back in second grade. So, I was the oldest kid in all of my classes. On top of that, I had a late birthday which added some distance in age between me and everyone else. And on top of that, my left eye is lazy. Add it all up and I was bigger than everyone else, my voice got deeper than the rest of the other boys, I started growing a mustache when I was in 6th grade, I had awful awful awful acne, and one eye was smaller than the other. I was different and it felt wrong.
This blog isn’t about my struggle through school but it’s needed for context because it’s where I began to hate how I looked. For instance, I’d never wear anything roomy or big because it made me feel fat. Weird, right? I’m 21 years old and I just started wearing medium size shirts. Granted, that’s mainly due to the fact that I was never a big guy or muscular so I could always get by with just wearing a small.
I saw myself as ugly, gross, and unwanted. How could I not? It was easier to believe the lies from the enemy than it was to believe that I am a masterpiece made by God in His image. I listened to the enemy so much that I became deaf to God.
It almost felt righteous. I felt humble. I know now that it wasn’t true humility. All I did was tear down what God was building. He was building a temple and I couldn’t even look because I hated it so much.
That was old Caleb.
God has been working in me and renewing the way I see myself over the years. So, I’m not in the same place I was. In most cases, I don’t even think about this or struggle with it. But something happened last night.
I was at church, we had a guest worship leader, and it. was. amazing. The Spirit was moving, there was jumping and dancing, and shouting out in praise. At the end of the night, we all gathered around him to pray. We finished praying and we were all still standing very close to one another. One of the church leaders dismissed us and said, “give someone next to you a hug.” Everyone around me started hugging and I just kinda stood there. Immediately I thought, “Who is going to hug me? Why doesn’t anyone seem like they want to?” and I felt like that kid again. The big kid with a dirt mustache, acne, and a small eye. To say I felt alone would be an understatement.
Now, it’s time to see the good and where Jesus leapt in. He showed me where I am still not trusting Him and that He makes good things. Even tonight I was spending time with Him in His word and got a picture of His arms around me. I started weeping. I got another picture after that.
Did you ever have some sort of performance as a kid and you saw your parents out in the audience with a video camera? Have you been the parent?
Immediately after I saw Jesus’ arms around me I got a picture of my Father in an audience with a camera and a giant smile on His face. He’s proud. I got my hug.
He loves my face. He loves your face.
He made you. Lean in and see how proud He is to call you His child.
