“I am Caleb Callaway, son of the One True King and coheir with Christ. I am chosen, I am redeemed, I am made spotless by His blood. I am the man that He wants me to be, and He has me right where He wants me. I am Caleb Callaway, son of the One True King and coheir with Christ.” The night was June 11th, the 5th night of training camp, and 18 men were standing in a circle around me holding me up, praying for me, speaking truth over me, and leading me into a new found identity.
You see, I grew up in the church… I knew all the right answers, and I knew the right ways to act to be seen as more holy or righteous. I never wanted anyone to see my flaws but I did want everyone to see how “close” I was to Jesus. I was a performer. I did what I could to get recognition, to get people to look up to me, and to be the person came to when they needed to recognized as well. I liked being wanted by people.
I have always loved Jesus. It’s at the core of who I am no matter how much I perform, so I’m not saying that everything was always an act for me. What I am saying is that I thought being wanted was the answer to life problems. I desperately wanted to have friends… Lots of them. I desperately wanted people to look up to me. I desperately wanted attention.
Adventures in Missions has been doing this whole training camp thing for a while now. Equipping and sending people is now second nature to them, so it is no surprise to me that they knew how to dig deep with everything. One evening as worship was playing I started thinking of this “need” of mine to perform. I wanted to perform in that moment and worship like I love Jesus more than anyone in that room, but I didn’t. For once, I stood still and I just listened. I know that God was speaking to me, all I had to do was stop and listen, so I started with the lyrics of the song that was playing.
Slow down take time
Breathe in He said
He’d reveal what’s to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
And He’ll reveal all to come
Take courage my heart, stay steadfast my soul
He’s in the waiting, He’s in the waiting
Hold onto your hope, as your triumph unfolds
He’s never failing, He’s never failing
I got the point. I waited for Jesus to tell me what He wanted to tell me. To my dismay nothing came that night. That was June 10th, luckily he only needed me to wait 24 hours to reveal to me what I should hear
June 11th started out early in the morning as all of us men packed up our packs, and got on our hiking shoes. That day was a day that would change many of our lives, starting out with a 12 mile hike. Throughout the hike community was inevitable. Testimonies were told, goals and aspirations were shared, and brotherhood was blossoming. We ended the hike, to the relief of many, to be greeted with ice cold water and burgers cooked over the fire in tin foil. As we ate, a man named Gary with a passion for the Lord, and the passion to raise up a generation of Godly men came and spoke to us. He talked about what it means to be a man of God and how to truly live that out in this day and age. From there we broke off by squad. The men of X Squad went back to our campsite of hammocks, and by the grace of God the Holy Spirit was there waiting.
We started out with Gary essentially saying that in order to be a man of God you need to be vulnerable with other men. In order to keep each other accountable we need to know what accountability they need. So that’s what we did. It isn’t mine to share, but the Holy Spirit moved in the hearts of so many of my fellow squad mates, and I was there praying and interceding for them and with them. As I was doing this I felt a rush of emotion wash over me. I wanted so desperately for these men, that I will be spending the next year of my life with, to see me as righteous, but I had nothing I could do. I sat there dumbfounded, doubting everything that I have done to perform in my past. It was in that moment that God revealed what I wanted to hear the night before.
I have a hard time loving who I am. I hated that I always had the need to perform. I hated that I always needed affirmation. I hated that I’m tall and lanky. I hated that I’m not exceptional at any thing athletically. I hated my health problems. I hated that it has always been harder for me to relate to guys. I hated that comparison is always on my mind. The list goes on. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate the life I live because I know that I have been extremely blessed. But that night I had a hard with my own personal traits. Physical, emotional, or spiritual alike.
So I told them. I got vulnerable. I stood in the middle of the circle with 18 guys surrounding me and I let it all out. They did for me what I needed in that moment and they supported me, they prayed for me, and they helped guide me to a light at the end of the tunnel. After what felt like centuries I felt free. I felt like a new man, one that could love themselves and love overs as well. I felt, for the first time in my life, a love for myself that I didn’t know I needed. It was then that someone spoke up and asked me a simple question that altered the way that I live my everyday life, “Who are you?”
After a little time and contemplation my answer was this, “I am Caleb Callaway, son of the One True King and coheir with Christ. I am chosen, I am redeemed, I am made spotless by His blood. I am the man that He wants me to be, and He has me right where He wants me.”
“Say it again, who are you?!”
“I am Caleb Callaway, son of the One True King and coheir with Christ. I am chosen, I am redeemed, I am made spotless by His blood. I am the man that He wants me to be, and He has me right where He wants me.”
It was then that I realized the power that words have over our hearts. I declared that statement over myself and it, for the most part, has held power over my life. I find my identity in something other than my physical traits for once. I find my identity in the grace that He has given me. Knowing that I am nothing without Him, and without His constant grace and recognition I would just fall back into my old habits of not enjoying who God has made me to be.
So this is my challenge to you friends… What truth can you speak over your own life? What lies is satan whispering in your ear that you are believing about yourself? Cast those thoughts out and find your identity in being a son and daughter to the creator of the universe.
This journey is not easy and it never will be, but lets walk in this new found identity together.
LIFE UPDATE: I have officially moved back to Oregon from Arizona to spend my last month (THATS RIGHT ONLY ONE MONTH LEFT) with family. I was able to make a quick trip up to Alaska to see my 4 week old niece, and I will soon be visiting Minnesota to visit two other nieces.
I have 28 days until launch and just under $6,000 left to raise! That means I am OVER 2/3 OF THE WAY FUNDED!!! Holy moly! I feel so loved and honored to have made it this far, but I would absolutely love to be fully funded before I launch. So if you are considering in any way to help out now is the time to do so!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
