I have writer’s block. I want to adequately tell you how I’ve been feeling lately, but finding the words is proving to be a lot more difficult than I thought. I want to express to all of you readers the lessons that God is teaching me. Or more accurately, the lessons that God and I are wrestling over. I want to express them to you in a way that you truly know my heart, but that’s hard when it comes to blogs. You can’t see or hear the emotion behind me saying this… So with that in mind, these things are healthy. I come at these thoughts and questions not with a spirit of doubt, but of wanting to truly know God’s heart. So bear with me as I try to let you in on the wrestling match that I have been having with Jesus.
“Am I really making a difference, Jesus?”
This line was written over and over in my journal, but silence was the only answer I got. I truly had a hard time seeing that my team and I were doing anything for the advancement of the kingdom. We were lucky enough to be placed in a state of Myanmar that considers themselves 96% Christian, but they weren’t kidding when they said that. Every where we go everyone knows and loves Jesus, ESPECIALLY the kids that we were asked to teach this month. As first graders they know all the answers to bible questions, and as sixth and seventh graders you see firsthand that it starts to become a relationship. So where does that put us as a team?
“Is teaching english to these kids really doing anything for the advancement of the kingdom?”
Once again, the only answer I got was silence. So I got angry, and I let that anger seep into my relationships. I was not a kind and loving teammate for those few days, but thank God for the love and grace that they displayed towards me. I became so focused on getting an answer from God that I forgot to take a step back. Take a step back to look at what God is really doing. Take a step back and see God building up the next generation of leaders through us. Take a step back and see that the answers to these questions were sitting right in front of me all along.
I also struggled with the idea of grace. At what point is God giving too much grace? At what point does He stop giving grace and condemning us to hell? We all know the scriptures that tell us what happens when we sin. Romans 6:23 states, “For the wages of sin is death,” and Revelation 21:8 talks about multiple sins people commit and the portion they will receive, which is “the lake that burns with fire and sulfur.” But on the other hand Ephesians 2:8 talks about the grace that saves each of us… So where is the balance?
Yet again, silence. Only this time it was needed. It was the silence that gave me an answer. The grace we receive from the Lord will be never ending, it clearly states that multiple times throughout scripture. And the wages of sin IS death, just as it states in Romans 6:23, but the balance is where your heart and convictions lie.
God doesn’t expect you to be perfect… Thats why He sent his son. He just expects you to live in a manner that pleases Him, and advances his kingdom wherever you are. If you mess up, He will meet you there with grace. If you mess up again, that same grace will be there waiting. The only job you really have is to accept that grace and walk away with conviction. Conviction to move forward. To be the man/woman He is calling you to be and walking in freedom from whatever sin you are struggling with.
I know my answers aren’t perfect, especially in the way that they are worded. I know I will never fully comprehend where the balance of grace and condemnation is, but the thing is, I don’t have to. I’m not God and I definitely don’t have all the answers. I am still wrestling with God in these things, and I probably will be for a while. But just as Jacob wrestled with God in Genesis I am doing much the same now, and in the end God blessed him.
Something my previous teammate said stuck with me throughout all of this, “It’s ok to question God, but don’t ever doubt Him.” And that is what was guiding me through this process.
Thank you Jesus for not needing me, but wanting me enough to send your only son.
Thanks for reading,
Caleb Callaway
