Doubt.
The World Race has already been a whirlwind of adventure and turmoil. Leading up to The Race, I did not know what to do. I was stuck in a rut. It literally took an act of God to get me moving again. It was the confirmation and validation of my dreams and desires that picked me up from the muck and the mire and got me moving again. It gave me purpose. I am going to do this thing. How am I going to do this thing?
This part is easy for me. My mind is an idea machine, constantly churning out random grandiose and far-flung ideas. I am constantly living 3 steps in the future, in every possibility. Therefore I must consistently force myself to remain present in each moment, and baby step my way towards my goals. I can legitimize and logically force myself to make baby steps in a direction. I can start down the path, putting one foot in front of the other.
The problem for me comes, not at the starting line, but at the quarter mile mark. After some time has passed and I am allowed to review my work and mindsets, this is where I begin to question everything. I think this is normal and healthy. This is the valley of doubt.
Fundraising has been slow, as is my consistency in pushing fundraising (Fundraising is not my favorite, I do not enjoy asking others for money, as it feels like it calls into question my own masculinity, but that is a discussion for another day). Since being accepted to journey on with the World Race, I have went from being unemployed to working two jobs. I have picked up my life in Fresno just where I left off last. No ground has been lost, which in itself is amazing, and a testament to God’s mercy and grace.
I am impulsive, and I wholehearted dive into whatever project I am currently fixated on (Classic Myers-Briggs ENTP personality type). It is the waiting, the persevering, being steadfast and unrelenting in my goals that becomes difficult for me. As I came to a point in my life where I was back at a breakeven point, I wanted to reevaluate my current circumstances.
Where am I? What do I want? What do I feel is the right thing to do?
I question myself in the presence of God, and I find it ironic and somewhat infuriating what the Almighty adds in classic peanut gallery fashion. For the last, coming up on 5 years now, as I travel this journey I call my own life, whenever it feels like I am coming to a crossroads and I do some serious reflecting, I always hear the still calm voice say, with almost gleeful expectation, “Do whatever you want to do, and I will be with you.”
It is infuriating. It is as if the Lord Most High treats me like an adult. Partnering with me in responsibility, just as a friend would. It would be so much easier to have the slave mentality, to just obey without question or personality, to have that Vassal Covenant, having a greater King lording over me. But that is not what Jesus died for. Jesus died to establish a better covenant, a Grant Covenant, with His people. That allows us to have free will, and allows God lavish us with His blessings and love. (But again I am getting off topic).
So here I am, about 80 days away from training camp, less than $1,000 fundraised, and a decision to be made. If I am going to continue, this current mountain in front of me looks insurmountable. But Jesus did talk about people with the faith of a mustard seed. He said they would say to the mountain, “Mountain, jump into the sea” and mountain would summersault its way into the nearest body of water (Official Caleb Translation).
In the reality of my life, there is no possible way for me to turn back now. When will I have this opportunity again? Odds are I won’t. This is something my soul has been craving. I have answered the call, and accepted the journey. Why should I let the first major wave of doubt crash my ship? I must continue on this journey. I need to complete this. I am going on the World Race. I know it will push me beyond my comfort zone, and allow me to grow in new and exciting ways. This is something I am not ready to give up on. I will push through this valley of doubt, and I will be stronger because of it.
As crazy as the financial amount I still need is, I am not worried about it, God will provide. I will do my part, via these two jobs which will provide more than I expected. I am crafting together another Vlog update. I am here writing again. I am pushing forward. And I still need help.
Believe with me. Partner with me in saying to this current mountain, “MOVE”, and I know together we can move and conquer any mountain.
I will continue to baby step in the direction I know my soul needs to go.
