Every missionary departs from home with a specific purpose, to share the good news, the gospel of Jesus Christ. They leave behind family, friends, support systems, jobs and careers. They take what is most valuable to them, their time, and devote it to the Lord. This is the prime of my life, and I trust the Spirit to take me on a journey that I could never accomplish myself. To guide me through a journey, an adventure, past my expectations, through the valley of the unknown, to the mountain of the resurrection, and back through the deeper darker canyon of uncertainty. Within this current journey our physical mirrors our spiritual reality. Traveling and trekking 11 different cultures and countries, and experiencing a fuller reality of the marriage between the Human and the Divine.
Part of this journey, for me, has been the deconstruction of my Christian faith. To die to what I have learned and assumed about the Christian walk, and to take a fresh look at the originator, perfecter of our faith, The Spirit of Christ Jesus.
This month, my team was paired with the Pastor of Sunshine Baptist Church. Our mission was to evangelize, and share the gospel in various private and public schools in the surrounding Bacolod area. On average we would go to two schools a day, one elementary and one high school, where we would take an hour to an hour and half and speak to as many classrooms as possible.
We were paired off two by two, and were escorted to each classroom with the purpose of sharing the gospel. For someone who was already questioning what the gospel meant to me this was extremely nerve racking. Usually public speaking does not scare me, but I was petrified. Each time as we approached a classroom, full of prying eyes and expectant faces, I could feel my heart try to hop out of my chest and take the first boat back to the States. The best thing to do was to cross the threshold, turn on the charm and hold on for dear life. If you hesitated once the nerves would eat you alive, and the class would turn into a pack of wild monkeys trying to eat you alive.
As we repeated this process over and over again, I would walk through my own past step-by-step, looking back with hindsight, the process the Spirit has walked me through. The trials and hardships, losing my identity, the deconstruction of my belief system, only to rebuild me back up, to affirm who I was in relation to the Divine, to make me more Human, giving me the ability to see the beauty within the valleys and mountains. To walk through the process of my life day-after-day was extremely emotionally draining. Yet through the repetitive nature of our ministry this month, I was able to really explore the peaks and pitfalls of my life and see how the Spirit has walked with me, edifying me, and picking me back up with the purpose of exploring higher peaks.
For me, a major part of my story is in the process of becoming an adult. As I was beginning to reach out into the wide wild world, I started forming my own world view and understanding of the reality around me. I listened to every voice that was in earshot. I explored different lifestyles then ones I was raised in. I adventured into places I would have prejudged in the past. Their came a point where I had formed an identity around, not what God said about me, but instead I built an identity around what I perceived that world to be. This formed a victim mindset, a cynical world view, and I had enslaved myself to the notion that I was failure.
I had lost the ability to receive love, and therefore give love in return. I had moved to Los Angeles with the mindset of forging my own path, instead I actually trying to run from the overwhelming shame that came with the identity of being a failure. I had listened to all the voices who said I was nothing, unworthy, and my life had no value. In and amidst this wide wild world, I believed my life was just a blip on the radar, and that no one cared. I was too small in the grand scheme of things. This broke down my ambition and will, until I was a broken slave to the world around me.
As we went class-to-class I could see my testimony reaching a few kids. With captivated stares, I knew that the Spirit was reaching into the hearts and lighting a spark of worth and value. Yet still, I did not know where I stood with my own belief. In an act of desperation, to spark something within my own soul, I volunteered myself to preach. To step out of my comfort zone. Pastor was delighted, I scheduled me in to preach at the next college we went to.
The next day we went to the college. We, as the team, ran through the plan. Walker and Company would sing a few songs, three people would share their stories, and I would wrap it all up with the Gospel. I was overly nervous. We started the presentation and there was no stopping it. Mariah gave her testimony how Jesus’s love and affirmation led her to follow her passions. Rebekah gave her testimony how Jesus’s love led her to get uncomfortable and try new things. Daiva drove the point home with her testimony of how Jesus’s love allows her not to be an addict but a new creation. The girls set it up perfectly for me. They had each talked about the voices who ran counter to Jesus’s love, and how they each fell victim to these voices.
I took the mic and faced the crowd, and my mind went blank. Oh crap. As every second of silence felt like an eternity, I opened my mouth.
“We are Christians. We believe in the Bible. The Bible is a story about God’s relationship with the human race.”
Wow, Caleb. Way to start at the beginning.
“the Bible tells a story of God trying to move a nation from Slavery to Freedom”.
After that it kinda all blurred together.
“However, this nation fell out of Love with God, and into love with ritual and process. So God decided to enter the human reality as a human being, to show in a practical way how to be in relationship with the Living God. To help all of humanity move from a slave mindset to a mindset of freedom and divinity”
It felt like I was ranting, trying to tie every point together, trying to tie all the points Mariah, Rebekah, and Daiva talked about, and trying to let the Gospel speak for itself.
“When we listen to these voices for too long we start to form an identity around those lies. Soon we are enslaved to that facade. We loose the distinction between the Divine Spark and the Lie Based Identity. Jesus gave us an example about how to defeat the voices in our heads that tell us we are unworthy of love. He does this through the cross. By dieing to the facade, we give up everything, with the hope of resurrection. We have to loose everything, in order to gain everything. We have to choose freedom, life, hope. We as Christians believe that by choosing life, the Divine Spirit of Christ Jesus lives in us, and enables us to be who we were created to be. Allowing us to combat the voices in our head, by listening to the small, quiet, reassured, confident voice in our heart telling us YES”
As every sentence left my mouth it felt like I was preaching the Gospel to myself.
My life was mirroring the symbolic representation of Jesus on the Cross. Death and Resurrection. That by deconstructing my belief system, I was allowing Christ to shine through, bringing me new life. I had to trust him enough to let go of my past preconceptions of Christianity, and believe that Holy Spirit has something better for me.
The Christian walk is not easy. It is not a heavenly stroll through mortal life, but a journey through tribulations. However, through the hardship we are guaranteed new life, change, and evolution if we are brave enough to let go and trust. New life awaits just at the end of our comfort-zone. I had to jump out of my comfort-zone, and trust that new life awaited me. In doing so, the Spirit moved in me, allowing me walk with confidence in who I was created to be.
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