7 days.
7 days till I depart from this reality and move on to the next. My whole world will be gone and I will have moved into another plane of existence. The overseas chapter of my adventure with the WorldRace will start. (And I say overseas chapter because my adventure with the WorldRace and Adventures in Missions started a long time ago. This all started with a whisper of a dream of doing this crazy thing. Through it all God has already been molding and shaping me, and He will continue to do so through this adventure…and odds are through the rest of my human experience)
The emotions are high right now. Getting accepted into the program caused a lot of emotions. Going to Training Camp caused a lot of emotions. Getting back from Training camp caused a lot of emotions. But this; this takes the cake.
I have been having ‘meetings’ or ‘appointments’ with as many people as I possibly can leading up to me leaving the country. I am over indulging in coffee at this point. At one of these meetings a mentor figure said to me, “you know you are going to be dropped off in a foreign country, where you don’t speak the language, don’t know where you are going, and then continuing for 11 different months?”
I replied, “yes…”
It was as if, in that moment the weight of this trip suddenly struck me.
My mentor figure then said, “…so, what are you taking to remind you of home? Because you will get homesick.”
Then the weight got heavier.
Holy —-.
This is happening.
I am doing this. What the —- am I getting myself into?
Since that moment it has being a roller coaster of emotions. For the past 3 days I have felt every emotion that I have felt for the last 5 years, compiled into 3 days. The anger, the frustration, the depression, the anxiety, the pain, the fear, the fear of being stagnant, the fear of the unknown, the fear of not being worthy or capable. That of course coupled with tears of joy, elation, and verbally vomiting everything I can to anyone who will listen. Since then I have come to one conclusion. I don’t know. At the end of every conversation. At the end of every thought I verbally process into the universe I end with, ‘I don’t know’. So with 7 days left. I don’t know. It’s not that I am questioning my motives, or if I am called or not. It is that I don’t have any clue what I am talking about. I am a mess, a beautiful mess.
I don’t have all the answers. I really don’t know what I am doing. I don’t have a game plan. I don’t know what the next year and beyond will have in store for me. It feels like I barely have a grasp of my theology, or spiritual assuredness.
I think in the space of the ‘unknown’, that is where God shows up.
Oh God, I know you will show up, I know you are already showing up. In the subtle and the extreme, I know God is working.
Well maybe.
But then again, I don’t know.
