**I’ll give you the cliff notes version, I humbly ask that
you pray for me, I have a weak spirit and a mighty flesh. Pray for my fellow
racers and teammates. Pray for
Vitalie and his missionaries, Serge, Octave, Sasha, and Alex, for God to
provide for their needs like more power of His sprit, food, land for a church,
and transportation. Pray they might continue to forsake all for him rather then
peruse trusting in themselves.**
The rest is just a dialogue I’ve been having with myself and
some of the things I’m learning and God is revealing to me, it’s long for me
but if you have the time feel free peer in.
I’ve heard it said and tend to believe that if Jesus were to
show up in the average church on Sunday morning most of the people wouldn’t
like Him. When I look at Jesus’ life, his followers, and the life of the people
I’ve met around the world I start to see a large gap form between their life and mine.
The gap between real faith and faith like the demons(james 2), faith without
real works, between the power of God and acts of man, between life and death. I think this gap is
where the power of the Holy sprit, God voice, miracles, healings and real fruit
get lost and shallow, prideful, self-righteous, human acts take over.
The first
place I noticed this gap was in how the bible explicitly states that anything
asked in Jesus’s name will be given, and again that anything asked in prayer through faith will be
yours. I had to conclude that prayers which were not answered must not have been
asked in whatever true faith is. From their the story of the Faith of the
Centurion where Jesus said “I have not found such great
faith even in Israel.” showed
me that the greatest faith Jesus said he found was that of a man who simply
believed that if Jesus spoke and action it would happen; or in other words
Faith is simply believing that God will do what he says. That gave me a pretty
tidy definition of true Faith and helped me understand why all the other things
people call faith really aren’t and thus the verse whish says anything asked in
faith absolutely will be granted can still be true. So the next problem is what
if you don’t hear from God clearly enough to discern what he says he will do?
Jesus
seemed to have the best connection with God while on earth so I took a look at
what he did and how well I was following that example. At the beginning
of Matthew Jesus starts his ministry with 40 days of fasting in the dessert
alone. Wow, that’s not for me, I’ve only made it one whole day fasting a couple
of times and I don’t have time to take over a month to go be alone with God in
the wilderness. I know he said “when you fast” and talked about the time for
fasting after he left, but I think ill just ignore that for the most part I
mean its not a commandment. Some have suggested fasting from “screens” like my ipod or the computer so I
don’t have to experience real hunger pains and be reminded how my god is my
belly, but that seems like a stretch of a fasting was meant to be, so ill skip
that as well. Jesus also got up
before sunset to pray on several occasions but that’s way to early for me. So
we’ll come back to him.
On to his disciples. When he called
them from their boats they left everything and followed him. Why didn’t they
think to say “hold on Lord, we have to clean all these fish we just caught then
we could sell them and give the money to the poor and bring some with us to buy
food and clothing and maybe to bless others with. Or we at least have to pack a
bag ad get some shots first, we could get sick and die! Why would they leave EVERYTHING? He
certainly doesn’t expect that from me does he? I know he told a rich man to go
sell EVERYTHING he had and give it to the poor and then to come follow Jesus
but that guy probably had more money then me so that doesn’t apply to me
either. I know Jesus also said “If anyone comes
to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his
brothers and sisters-yes, even his own life-he cannot be my disciple.27And
anyone who does not carry his cross and follow me cannot be my disciple… any of you who
does not give up EVERYTHING he has cannot be my disciple.” BUT I want to focus on the stuff I gave up!, not all the things I’m still holding on to. I want to believe that I’ve given
up enough and even though He told his disciples to out with nothing, it’s
alright if I just take a backpack full of stuff and a visa card. It’s practically
the same and I can expect the same things to happen despite my unwillingness to
really be vulnerable and truly have faith in God to provide.
I want to ignore that Jesus says “Blessed are those
who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of
heaven. 11“Blessed are you when
people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you
because of me. 12Rejoice and be glad,
because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the
prophets who were before you.” because persecuted for many
of the disciples meant being severely beaten and stoned and beheaded. I’m
hardly persecuted at all but I still expect to have the kingdom of heaven. I hear
stories of missionaries today being dragged before counsels and threatened and
persecuted but I avoid that. I don’t really believe its something to be
considered as “blessed” in the since I desire such a lifestyle. I also want to
ignore where God says He has chosen the poor in this world to be rich in faith
because I know half the world lives off $2 a day so I cant pretend to not be
rich anymore and I want to have the comforts I’m use to. I want to pretend its
ok as long as I say I’ll use my wealth to bless God. I’ll believe its ok to
spend more on myself if I give more to God because that’s the measure- the
amount of money I give compared to what others give- not where the entirety of
my heart is.
I want to have enough Faith to
believe he died for me so I can really do whatever and go to heaven one day;
enough Faith to live in a way that bring me the most joy balancing my desires
with following God’s calling as comfortably as possible while holding on to the
things I don’t want to let go of. It’s ok if that Faith doesn’t produce the
wonders it did in the bible, I’ll pretend my faith isn’t lacking anything. I
want to believe that God is not actually calling me to be fully dependant on
him by giving up EVERYTHING, or believe that EVERYTHING only includes some
things. I want to ignore that in order to graduate seminary Vitalie got dropped
off in a foreign village with no money or phone, or food, or bag or anything
but the clothes on his back and had to survive and preach the gospel and
actually have Faith in God for a week. I want to ignore how he said that’s when
you see what kind of faith you have and what kind of power of God you have. I
want to ignore that I’m not really up for that kinda of vulnerability. I’d rather dismiss that God called
him to move into a town with no money or friends or church. I want the closeness to God Vitalie has, but I don’t want the shivering nights he spent sharing
everything with orphans or not
knowing if he would have food , or how he would survive, but simply trusting
God and living by Faith that came along with it. I want to start with something more established. I
don’t want to go hungry or cold, or be sick. I want to ignore my actions and thoughts and concerns which scream that I don’t fully trust God. I want to pretend that if God said to me
today” mail all your stuff and your visa card home and go to Africa with only my power, I will provide for you” I probably wouldn’t be up for that. I want to ignore when Jesus says we should “live by every word
that proceeds(continually) from the mouth of God” and live by some words which
God once spoke, a few He’s speaking now, and a lot of bread. I definitely want to ignore “give to everyone who asks.” Sorry God my ipod is just plain more important then your words. I want the
destination not the journey, the faith without its testing, dead faith, pseudo faith, partial faith, powerless faith, faith
like the demons.
Sure I’ll serve God some, with part
of my time, life, and money. I just have to keep some back though. It’s
reasonable. I’m a human being not a human doing. I’ll put less emphasis on the
doing all the things Jesus talked about and more on the “Being still” verse
that is referring to not being fearful, but ill take that as an excuse to be
lazy when I don’t “feel” like being what Jesus was, a servant of all. I’ll
follow him as long as I have things like food and clothing taken care of
beforehand. I’ll never live in a position where I absolutely NEED God to
provide in order to survive, that’s what he gave me visa for, it’s everywhere I
want to be so God doesn’t have to be. I’ll use just enough to live well above
the average person in the world and even the people I “minister” to. I wont
really become like them or esteem them better them myself, but I’ll spend some time with them to make me
feel like a good Christian. I wont give every second every breath, that’s too
much. I want to believe that I’ve given enough,that God’s satisfied, that I can
enter the narrow road and the Kingdom of Heaven without following many of the
things God says it takes.
NO!
I’m done believing the lies of the devil. God’s made it clear
what it takes to be his disciple, EVERYTHING. I’m done listening to those who
tell me to be content with where I am wallowing in giving part of my life. I
must first count the cost before I set out, least I find I have not enough to
finish and deceive myself into believing that a tower built with missing pieces
will be able to stand. There’s more and I will never be satisfied until I give
it all. It will take time and growth, but that’s the pursuit and everything I
hold on to and ignore in the meantime is not of God; It will only slow me down.
I know God still loves me and he’s not upset with me, but He wants so deeply to
give me life to the fullest and I gain nothing by settling for lukewarmness,
even on the World Race.
So please pray for me.
For my pride, lashing tongue, greed, gluttony, judging, speaking evil of
others, showing partiality, being selfish, lack of patience, trusting in
money and so on. Pray that God would break me free so I could serve Him whole
heartedly. That he would rip everything I hold on to tightly from my hands so I
might have nothing left but Him. That my Faith would be fully in Him so that
anything I ask in faith will be given. That me and all my squad mates would
remember that neither he who plants or waters is anything, but it is God who
gives in increase. Pray for Vitalie and the missionaries in neighboring
villages, Serge& Oxanna, Octave & Natalia, and Alex. For God to provide
for their needs like food for their children, land for a church and transportation.
we all would remember that
without God we can do nothing of substance and remember the importance of
seeking Him and the power and need for prayer. God Bless
