I'm not the same anymore. I look back over different periods of my life and I realize that I'm not the person that I was then. In some ways, of course, I am, but in many other ways, I'm not at all.
I don't fit. That's what I realized tonight. I was downtown and I ran into all these people that I never see anymore; like group after group of old friends. They are friends that I love dearly, but I don't fit anymore. Why is that? Why don't I feel like I fit with the people I grew up with at church? Why don't I feel comfortable around my friends from highschool? I want to fit, but I don't. The things that used to be so great, don't satisfy anymore. I wish they did, but they don't. It's not me, or them, it's really the Lord, I think. He's leading me into my calling, and so I know that a lot of the things that are so wonderful here in the States, won't be available where He's leading me, so in His love and grace, He's taking away the desire for them. He's moving me along. I think it's good, but it's also hard, and tonight stung bad. It threw me off, seeing so many people that aren't in my life anymore, wish as I may that they were. My heart wants to hold on to them, but it can't happen.
I'm about to get real. Justin just went to bed, and I'm alone in my living room fighting back tears. My life feels like such a mess. Am I totally dysfunctional? Is this the journey I'm suppsed to be on, or am I just a crazy person? I honestly don't know right now.
I'm not who I was before I went to Peru the first time. I'm not who I was when I first went to school at WCA. I'm not who I was when I finished High School. I'm not who I was when I started staff with Crosswave. I'm not who I was when I moved in to Sullivan as a freshman at NCSU. I'm not who I was when I dated Ashley. I'm not who I was when I went to New York with Cru for spring break. I'm not who I was when I first started visiting Vintage 21. I'm not who I was when I studied abroad. I'm not who I was when I started leading with Campus Crusade. I'm not who I was when I went to Argentina. I'm not who I was when I moved into the Ranch. I'm not who I was when I first encountered the power of God in Michelle's apartment. I'm not who I was when I first got plugged in to Catch the Fire. I'm not who I was when I led my first mission trip (to Swaziland). I'm not who I was when I graduated from college. I'm not who I was before I started dating Brianna. I'm not who I was before we broke up.
When I look back over my life, I'm so happy with the journey that I've taken. I've been blessed with such good friendships, such wonderful experiences, such beautiful opportunites. Most of the big changes have been so good. I don't know how to describe them to you; most were so internal that words are hard to find. These have been many of the defining moments of my life, and with several circumstances in front of me now, I'm kind of facing this reality all of a sudden. The 16-year-old driving himself to Rachel Dennis's birthday party himself (and getting totally lost and running out of gas and borrowing money from Ms. Carla), the 18-year-old sitting alone in his freshman dorm on a Friday night, the 19-year-old climbing to the last peak on the Inca Trail and looking to see Machu Picchu for the first time, the 21-year-old who left his pumpkin-carving birthday party to go drink and then feel guilty about it, none of those people feel like me.
Many of the people who are my closest brothers and sisters, I didn't know 2 years ago.
You know what? Life is just like that. It is beautiful. I'm realizing it as I'm typing it right now. HAH! God is good. I don't want to be the same person I was. I've been trying to process all this for a while now, and I think I'm getting. I love who I was at each of those points at my life, but staying the same would be no good at all. Without growth and change, there's no life. The Lord just reminded me of a scene at the end of one of my favorite movies, Big Fish. In it, the man who has spent his whole life having adventure after adventure, dies. There is this incredibly emotional scene where I starts to struggle to breathe and so his son takes him to the river. Along the way he sees everyone who's ever meant anything in his life. They're all cheering him on. They're all so happy to see him. Then, he gets to the river, and he "becomes what [he] always was. A big fish."
It's okay to have seasons. My college friends mean the world to me, but if I don't see most of them for a few years, it'll be okay because our season is over. When I bump into them, it'll be so sweet. We'll laugh and cry and thank the Lord for the time we had together. But I can't be bound by what was. I'll miss some sweet adventures. I can't be too afraid to leave the banks. I'm like a fish out of water. I have to cross the river.
In mythology, the river always symbolizes the passage between this life and the afterlife. (Stay with me for a second.) In Pilgrim's Progress we see something very similar at the end. In Revelation 22, God tells us that the River of God extends from the throne of Heaven. Baptism represents going under and dying and then coming up a new creation. In Joshua 4, the people cross the River Jordan; on the other side they set up memorial stones for remembering what the Lord has done. It's really beautiful. In my life, it's almost like each of these significant times, when I've set up mental and emotional memorial stones, has been a time of crossing the River. A fresh baptism. I new level of dying to the old man, and coming up new. (I want to become a fish, who doesn't even come up…I just want to stay completely immersed in the River.)
Each of these times in my life has been like that. A baptism, where I come up different. A winter where I shed my coat and find that my colors have changed and grown brighter. I'm really happy. With every ending, God has brought new beginnings. He really works all things out for good for those who Love Him and are called according to His purpose. Even though it's weird to be uncomfortable with what should feel so familiar, God is making me at home with people I've never met. My Race is already proving to be such a blessing, and I'm just very happy to see what He has up His sleeves.
I love you all so much. Blessings!
In Christ,
Caleb
