"Come to Me. Drink deeply of Me. Let Me in." Over and over, this is what Jesus is asking of me. What a privilege! What a blessing. Yet, I seem to neglect it. I go down to the river; I get my bucket filled; and yet I'm still so needy, so insufficient, so unable. This has become increasingly more obvious to me in the last few weeks.
My squad leaders, Rachel and Peter, will leave us at the end of this month. They did the Race last year and returned to spend only the first section of ours with us, leading us and urging us on toward Jesus. They raise up a new generation of squad leaders to take their place, and I am one of them! I'm so excited to take on this new role. It's something Papa has been preparing me for since March when He first started speaking it to me through a series of prophetic words. Nevertheless, when I sat in front of my squad with my new co-leaders Lindsay Burke and Megan Parham, the challenge became a little daunting. I know it is why Daddy has me on the Race, and so I couldn't be more thrilled, but the thought that I am, in a lot of ways, shepherding and pastoring this group is serious stuff. 56 people's spiritual lives are in my hands. That's a heavy mantle. Team leading brought its own challenges, but squad leading is a whole new thing. With the squad all there, I had way too much going on around me to think about how weak and unable I felt. But then, two Thursday ago we sent all of our teams off for another month of ministry.
Let me back up a little. Jambo! We are in Kenya! After a long month in Naslavcha and Ocnita, Moldova, I had a mini-retreat with the other squad leaders in Chisinau, Moldova (the capital), followed by a mini-debrief in Bucharest, Romania with the whole squad. It was here that I was officially raised up (as squad leader) and our squad went through our first major round of team changes. We then flew through Qatar en route to Nairobi. Once in Africa, the squad had a little bit of time at Milimani Backpackers' Hostel to adjust to African culture. Then that Thursday, we sent them off to their ministry locations across the country.
This was a huge weight off of my shoulders. We had successfully passed the baton off to the team leaders for the month. To celebrate, Peter, Megan, and I decided to go out to eat at Carnivore, a restaurant that specializes in Wild Game meat. I've wanted to go their for years, and I got so excited. I felt completely spent from so many days with the whole squad. When we are all together, I tend to feel torn in a hundred different directions at once, and so seeing the last team drive off that evening, I realized that I was about to get a break and I breathed easy. We took the taxi to Carnivore with our good friend George, the best driver in Nairobi. As we stepped inside, a number of things happened simultaneously: I was overwhelmed by the incredible smells, I was impressed by the awesome decor, and suddenly, I felt like I was going to die.
The sensation of knives stabbing my stomach accompanied my frantic search for the bathroom. I ended up spending the whole evening there, and threw up 24 times. Outside, I knew, my friends were eating incredible food, food I had wanted to eat for years. I couldn't even stand up. Malarial mosquitos were flying around, the power was on and off, and I was sitting on the floor of my stall, crying out to The Lord. My eyes wouldn't focus, so I couldn't even read the Bible. But then Holy Spirit dropped a song into my heart. I found it on my iPod and pressed play.
"I am The Lord your God," Jenn Johnson reminded me. "I go before you now. I stand beside you, I'm all around you. Though you think I'm far away, I'm closer than your breath! I am with you more than you know. I am The Lord your peace, no evil will conquer you. Steady now your heart and mind; come into My rest. Let your faith arise, lift up your head, I am with you wherever you go. Come to Me! I am all you need. Come to Me! I'm your everything!"
As I sat there in the bathroom, unable to even keep down water, God met me. See, I didn't need to relax, I needed His presence. I didn't need Carnivore, I needed His presence. I don't need anything else, I need His presence. Squad leading is a daunting, impossible task in my own strength. But in Him, I find my sufficiency. In Exodus 33:15-16, Moses said to God, "If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here. How will anyone know that you are pleased with me and with your people unless you go with us? What else will distinguish me and your people from all the other people on the face of the earth?" Like Moses, I am realizing how much I need Him. I am so unable, so weak. Good thing that 2 Corinthians 12:9 Daddy promises us that '"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
I was sick with a fever for a few more days, but I was resting in His presence, learning all over again to come to Him. After recovering, we began visiting teams, which challenged this newfound desire to come into His presence constantly. There were way too many people in a tiny place with no private space. It was exhausting and hard. But it was good. Then I got a message on Facebook from my coleader Lindsay. En route to Kenya from Romania, she got a phone call saying that her boyfriend Grant had been in a serious car accident. She flew home to be with her family and to say goodbye. He ended up passing away soon after she arrived and soon after the funeral, she told me and Megan that she wasn't coming back onto the field. I of course understood, but it was one of the hardest things I had heard since the race began. Lindsay and I spent our month in Ukraine leading together, and she is such an incredible woman of God. I was so excited to continue to lead with her and see what she would bring to the squad. Realizing that she is no longer going to be with us brought up even more fears about leading. Sure I could lead with two others, but can I handle squad leading with just one other person? There is a reason they raised up three. Can Megan and I work together without a third voice in the mix? God has given me a significant sense of peace, but I have had to, even more, rely on my Father.
Recently, i was talking to my friend Tori. God has been teaching her some of the same things, albeit in a completely different setting. He spoke to her through John 3:17, "For God did not send his Son into the world that he might condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him." She explained to me how it doesn't say that he came to the world to save the world. Obviously Jesus did come so we would be saved, but he didn't try to do it like Superman, he did it as a son resting in his Father's loving will. We read that Jesus's plan was "that the WORLD might be saved THROUGH him!" So it's all about that rest: that he abided with his Father and rested in his Father; that's how people came to him and saw him as different, and eventually came to know their heavenly Father.
So I have been practicing rest, recognizing (even when I'm not feverish or vomiting) that I need the presence of God. I need Holy Spirit more than I needed him yesterday. I can't, but in Christ I can do all things. I am not what my squad (much less the nations) needs, but I have Him. They need Jesus and so do I. God help me go lower still. Help me surrender more. Help me become so much more reliant, so much more dependent on Your presence, that I never leave.
